Task 1 general feedback needed

[terry3218]

You recently attended a meeting at a hotel. When you returned home, you found you had left some important papers at the hotel.

Write a letter to the manager of the hotel. In your letter

 Say where you think you left the papers
 Explain why they are so important
 Tell the manager what you want him/her to do

To the manager of Westin,
I am writing to report that I have left some important documents while I was attending a meeting in your hotel. Allow me to elaborate.

Last Thursday, our company constituted a meeting in the Freesia meeting room on the 2nd floor of your hotel. During this meeting, we had drafted a project proposal in coordination with our consultants. However, I forgot to take the documents home with me. Hence, I am certain that I have left these documents in the freesia meeting room. They are enclosed in a yellow folder that has my name ‘Sameed’ written on top.

I must stress that these documents are of very high importance as I had annotated them with notes and confidential financial information about our company. Without these documents, I will not be able to submit the project proposal. Hence, it imperative that I need to have these documents.

Therefore, I request you to ask your staff to conduct a thorough search of the Freesia meeting room in order to locate these documents. You may contact me in case you need any further information.

I look forward to your supportive response.

Yours sincerely,
Muhammad Sameed

[goldcoastielts]

IELTS 2.0+ course : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/course
IELTS essay check : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/essays
Online IELTS lessons : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/lessons
IELTS Freebies!! : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/freebies

YouTube - "6-SENTENCE BODY PARAGRAPH" : https://youtu.be/fzlysmGLNXA



Thanks for your submission terry3218!! Please see my rewrite below ...

To the manager of THE Westin:
I am writing to report that I have left some important documents AT YOU HOTEL while I was attending a meeting THERE. PLEASE allow me to elaborate FURTHER.

Last Thursday, our company WAS HOLDING a meeting in the Freesia meeting room on the 2nd floor of your hotel. During this meeting, we (DELETE 'HAD) drafted a project proposal in coordination with our consultants. However, I forgot to take the documents home with me. CONSEQUENTLY, I am certain that I have left these documents in the Freesia meeting room. They are enclosed in a yellow folder that has my name ‘Sameed’ written on THE top.

I must stress that these documents are of very high importance as I (DELETE "HAD") annotated them with notes and confidential financial information about our company. Without these documents, I will not be able to submit the project proposal. Hence, it imperative that I have these documents RETURNED AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

Therefore, I request THAT YOU ask your staff to conduct a thorough search of the Freesia meeting room in order to locate these documents. You may contact me in case you need any further information.

I look forward to your supportive response.

Yours sincerely,
Muhammad Sameed

ADVICE: Good general letter
1. Only use the past perfect when it is referring to an action that happened before another action. A couple of times in this letter, the past simple is more appropriate.
2. Don't overuse the same linking word. 'Hence' appears twice and is a little distracting for the reader.
3. Sometimes it feels like you have overused linking language. This makes it read more like a task 2 than a task 1.

TA: 7.5
G: 7.0
V: 7.5
CC: 6.5 ('hence' and 'therefore' a little strange, but 'I must stress...' was excellent.)