can anyone grade my essay task 2

[durai]

Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment. Why is this happening, and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem?


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It is common to understand that there are some criminals, who are released from prison after their very first jail term, may have tendency to commit crimes very often. The reasons could be many but not limited to loss of employment, loss of social respect and dignity. Therefore, this essay is an attempt to analyse the reasons, and offers cardinal solutions to overcome this problem.

One of the prime reasons for malefactors to re-offend is the unemployment since many companies never employ a person who has criminal records. Many organisations do a character check as a recruitment process before employing any person, and it acts as a catalyst for the new offenders jobless. If you take Australia, for instance, the criminals hardly find job because most of the employers do reference check and ask police clearance certificates from the job seeker. Therefore, wrong doers would never recruited by industries, and as a result, they start to involve in offensive actions for surviving their life.

However, there are some suitable steps available to stop criminals committing crime a second time. At first, the public sectors have to find out the root of the issue, and look for linear solutions. If unemployment, loss of dignity and loss of social respect are the main reasons, for example, then the governments have to find jobs for them. Besides, the awareness among people to treat criminals with respect should be created. This may engage lawbreakers with work, with their families and friends. Such engagement may keep wrong doers out of committing crime.

At the end of the day, there are many causes why offenders re-offend. Therefore, the statutory bodies should take some stringent measures to stop crime activities the world over. Let us hope that the governments protect the countries free from falling into anarchy.

[allen_zhang]

HI Duri,
I'd like to discuss a little with you:

It is common to understand (Pesonally, I don't like it. "It is true" will do the work ) that there are some criminals, who are released from prison after their very first jail term, may have( a tendency) tendency to commit crimes very often. The reasons could be many but not limited to loss of employment, loss of social respect and dignity.(I would use "The reasons include but not limted to ...") Therefore,(I would remove Therefore ) this essay is an attempt to analyse the reasons, and offers cardinal solutions to overcome this problem.

One of the prime reasons for malefactors to re-offend is the unemployment since many companies never employ a person who has criminal records.(Are you so sure?) Many organisations do(run) a character check as a recruitment process(I would use procedure) before employing any person, and it acts as a catalyst for the new offenders jobless. (It seems you want to use "catalyst" too much)If you take Australia, for instance, (I would use "To take Australia as an example,")the(I would remove "the") criminals hardly (I would use "hardly can") find job(I would use "a job") because most of the employers do reference check and ask police clearance certificates from the job seeker(job seekers). Therefore, wrong doers would never recruited by industries, and as a result, they start to involve in offensive actions for surviving their life.(I sould remove "their life")

However, there are some suitable steps available to stop criminals(I would add a "from" here) committing crime a second time.(Logically, re-offend is a problem that no one could stop, we just can mitigate this problem. so, I would not choose "stop" ) At first, the public sectors have to find out the root of the issue, and look for linear(personall, I don't think "linear" is good here) solutions. If unemployment, loss of dignity and loss of social respect are the main reasons, for example,(I would remove "for example") then the governments have to find jobs for them. Besides, the awareness among people to treat criminals with respect should be created.(create awareness? I would use "encourage") This may engage lawbreakers with work, with their families and friends. Such engagement may keep wrong doers out of committing crime.

At the end of the day, there are many causes why offenders re-offend. Therefore, the statutory bodies should take some stringent measures to stop crime activities the world over.(Generally, sounds not so logic to me.) Let us hope that the governments (I would add "will" because your are "hoping")protect the countries free from falling into anarchy.

[durai]

Hi Allen,

Thanks for your comments,

I do use catalyst almost all of my essays, you know, why, because Ryan , in his blog gave around 18 words which is quite applicable for Ielts essays. Probably we can fit some of them and those are given as band 9 words by Ryan.

Check his blog. Even Ryan uses these words frequently in his samples.


Good luck:

Durai

[allen_zhang]

Hi Durai,
I did watch some of Ryan's video lessons and one of them mentioned about some "band 9" words.
I remember that he mentioned about "catalyst" and "linear", and that's why I wrote that comment. I believe words need to be used where it fits the most.

BR!
Allen