Please assess my writing task 2

[hemantsharma90]

In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How we can deal with those causes.

Throughout the course of history, committing crimes have already been disturbing humanity. Be it developed or developing country there is increase offences which is big cause of concert of this decade. Causes and solutions are described in this essay.

To begin with, the key reason of increase in crimes is the raising poverty in many countries such as Iraq, Kenya, India and many more. Poverty is directly linked with crime because people, who lack necessary skills to get some kind of jobs to survive, often choose illegal ways to fulfill their basic necessities. Furthermore, there is classification in our society, for example, difference between poor and rich people is increasing by the day across the globe and rich often enjoy luxury things such as high-tech cars, new gadgets and posh apartments. Sometimes poor commit crimes in order to afford this luxury lifestyle. In addition to this, some crimes are influenced by political parties, for instance, in India, in order to get votes, political leaders play cast-based politics which frequently lead to riots between Hindus and Muslims, Muzaffarnagar riots are good example of this.

To mitigate the problem, government has to play crucial in it. First and foremost, various initiatives should be taken in order to reduce the poverty by offering subsidized education to poor segment. A good example is that, Indian government has classified people in three categories which are general class, backward class and other backward classes and they are bound to provide extra benefits to ensure the social and economic stability of these segments. Secondly, government should turn the attention on rehabilitation programs and involve them in some kind of community work. In addition to that, many types of skills enhancement classes can be provided to them so that after the completion of their punishment, they can enroll themselves in jobs. Last but not least, authority should analyze the crime patterns and areas and should provide extra protection to ensure the safety of their citizens.

All in all, crimes are soaring from last few years and to tackle this pressing issue, government should take necessary steps to reduce the discrimination in our society and help poor so that they can get necessary education to support themselves and their family in future.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

In the first paragraph, you mention 3 points. There is actually little evidence that poor people commit more crime. If you think about it, it's actually a very unreasonable assumption. There is, however, a lot of evidence to support your second point about the wealth gap being a reason for crime. In the USA, for example, states with higher wealth gaps do tend to have higher crime rates.

As for the third point, that's clearly connected with race, religion and politics. That, in my opinion, deserves a whole paragraph to itself, not just a couple of lines.

Your solutions are likely to have some positive effects, but you should relate them directly to the problems you have already outlined. Then, your conclusion mentions discrimination, which you have not mentioned in your solutions. This affects the coherence of your essay.

Overall, this is quite a good essay, but you could easily make it better by applying a few simple rules of academic writing.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How we can deal with those causes.

Throughout the course of history, committing crimes has disturbed humanity. Be it a developed or developing country, there is an increase offences which is a major cause for concern this decade. Possible reasons and solutions are described in this essay.

To begin with, the key reason for the increase in crimes is the rising poverty in many countries such as Iraq, Kenya, India and many more. Poverty is directly linked with crime because people who lack the necessary skills to get a job to survive, often choose illegal ways to fulfill their basic needs. Furthermore, there is a classification in our society. For example, the difference between poor and rich people is increasing by the day across the globe, and the rich often enjoy luxury things such as high-tech cars, new gadgets and posh apartments. Sometimes poor people commit crimes in order to afford this luxury lifestyle. In addition to this, some crimes are influenced by political parties. For instance, in India, in order to get votes, political leaders play caste-based politics which frequently lead to riots between Hindus and Muslims. The Muzaffarnagar riots are good example of this.

To mitigate the problem, the government has to play acrucial role. First and foremost, various initiatives should be taken in order to reduce poverty by offering subsidized education to poor segments of society. A good example is how the Indian government has classified people into three categories: general class, backward class and other backward class, and they are bound to provide extra benefits to ensure the social and economic stability of these segments. Secondly, government should turn their attention on rehabilitation programs and encourage criminals to get involved in some kind of community work. In addition to that, many types of skills enhancement classes can be provided so that after the completion of their punishment, offenders can have gainful employment. Last but not least, authority should analyze crime patterns and areas and should provide extra protection to ensure the safety of their citizens.

All in all, crimes are soaring over the last few years and to tackle this pressing issue, government should take necessary steps to reduce the discrimination in our society and help the poor so that they can get necessary education to support themselves and their family in the future.

[hemantsharma90]

Hi Flick,

Firstly, I would like to thank you from bottom of my hear for helping all of us in IELTS test.

My result is out and i got following score:

L - 7.5
R - 7
W - 7
S - 6.5

I missed in speaking by 0.5 band and just wondering whether should I file for remarking or not. Please help and share your views.

Thanks in Advance