David Please assess my wrting need 7 plus band

[Qasim]

Nowadays children are experiencing increased educational, social and commercial pressure.
What are the reasons for this?
What is a solution to reduce the pressure?

In this contemporary society, children are facing huge problems in dealing with education, social and outside competition pressure with other children. Parents are also posing pressure on their offspring’s to do well in school and in extracurricular activities, because of the admission competition in college and universities. There are several reasons for this burden on juvenile and there are many solutions to this problem as well. I will discuss this in detail.

One of the main reasons is shortage of excellent colleges and universities and this is due to increase in population. Students need to work hard to achieve certain grades to take admission in good colleges. Secondly there is competition with in the families and parents are pressurizing their children to study hard and provide better results. Moreover nowadays technology is changing rapidly and that is causing pressure in child's mind to absorb all the new things. Furthermore another problem is that parents are not willing to allow their children to select courses of their choice, this attitude is also creating problems in youngster’s mind.

There are several ways to overcome this situation of children. Firstly governments should open new colleges and universities to meet the needs. On the other hand, parents should allow their children to select courses on their interest basis. Proper counseling should be offer in school to deal with issues of children like education, social and commercial pressure in case they are unable to meet the standard. In my opinion, I believe that, it is not important for children to become nerd in every subject whereas satisfaction in children mind has more value and growth. If the child is mentally relaxed, he will automatically perform well in school.

In conclusion, as discussed atop, I believe parents should not pressurize their children. It is the responsibility of parents to motivate and educate their juvenile and school teachers should provide proper counseling to students so they become free from any kind of burden.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

I like the ideas in the first main paragraph, but you haven't really explained how these problems came about. The one thing that has to go is the second sentence - why shouldn't students have to work hard to get good grades?!

In the first sentence of the second paragraph, you hit a small problem - needs or desires? Again, you need to explain these (good!) ideas more clearly rather than simply listing them.

Conclusion - No pressure? Free from ANY kind of burden?

Overall, very good grammar and vocabulary, but lacking in development and coherence (= linking ideas to each other).

All the best,
David

[Qasim]

Thanks for the feedback. I will try to improve coherence

Qasim

[Flick]

Nowadays children are experiencing increased educational, social and commercial pressure.
What are the reasons for this?
What is a solution to reduce the pressure?

In this contemporary society, children are facing huge problems in dealing with education, social and outside competition pressure with other children. Parents are also putting pressure on their offspring to do well in school and in extracurricular activities, because of the admission competition in colleges and universities. There are several reasons for this burden on juveniles, and there are many solutions to this problem as well. I will discuss this in detail.

One of the main reasons is a shortage of excellent colleges and universities, and this is due to increase in population. Students need to work hard to achieve certain grades to gain admission to good colleges. Secondly, there is competition within the family with parents pressuring their children to study hard and provide better results. Moreover, nowadays technology is changing rapidly and that is causing pressure in the child's mind to absorb all the new things. Furthermore, another problem is that parents are not willing to allow their children to select courses of their choice, and this attitude is also creating problems in youngster’s minds.

There are several ways to overcome this situation. Firstly, governments should open new colleges and universities to meet needs. On the other hand, parents should allow their children to select courses based on their own interests. Proper counseling should be offered in school to deal with issues like education, social and commercial pressure in case they are unable to meet the standard. In my opinion, I believe that it is not important for children to become an expert in every subject. Satisfaction in children has more value. If the child is mentally relaxed, he will automatically perform well in school.

In conclusion, as discussed above, I believe parents should not pressure their children. It is the responsibility of parents to motivate and educate their offspring and school teachers should provide proper counseling to students so they are free from any kind of burden.