please kindly grade my essay ( general TASK 1)

[rairaichan0323]

You have recently bought a toy over the internet. When it was delivered you have found some problems with it. Write a letter to the toy company manager and say
- Give details of the purchase.
- Describe the problem.
- What do you expect the company to do about it?


Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing in order to complain about the robot which I brought it from your online shop on the last Friday. My username is rairaichan and ordered reference number is AB200660.

After I had made the order, two days later I received it. At first it worked properly. However, when I was trying to play it with my son, I discovered the remote control did not work properly. While I tried to change batteries, it did not give any response.

It made my son so unpleasant because it was his first birthday gift from us. In fact it ruined his first birthday party. Given the fact that it was entirely the fault of your company. I feel that I am entitled to request a full refund would be warranted.

I can be contacted at the address along with my phone number. I would be appreciative your prompt resolution of this matter.

Yours sincerely,
Jenny Lam

[SyntaxFox]

Hi rairaichan0323, thanks for posting. I’ve read your work, and I have a few tips for you.

Corrections are in red, and comments are in blue.

----

You have recently bought a toy over the internet. When it was delivered you have found some problems with it. Write a letter to the toy company manager and:
- Give details of the purchase.
- Describe the problem.
- What do you expect the company to do about it?

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing in order to complain about the robot which I brought it from your online shop last Friday. (<-- No need for ‘on the’ here – the only time you’d need to say that would be if you were writing ‘on the last Friday of the month’ or ‘on the last Friday of the year’. Otherwise it doesn’t make sense!) My username is rairaichan and my order reference number is AB200660.

I received the robot two days after I had placed the order. (<-- There are two parts to this sentence – ordering the robot, and receiving it. I swapped them around to avoid confusing the reader.) At first it worked properly. However, when I was trying to play with it (<-- You don’t ‘play a toy’ – you ‘play with a toy’. But you do ‘play a game’.) with my son, I discovered the remote control did not work properly. Although I tried to change the batteries, it did not give any response.

It made my son very unhappy (<-- It’s not correct to say your son was unpleasant – at least in this context! It implies that he suddenly became a bad person after the toy broke. What you mean is that he was ‘acting unpleasantly’. A better word to use is ‘unhappy’, though.) because it was his first birthday gift from us. In fact, it ruined his first birthday party. Given the fact that it was entirely the fault of your company, I feel that I am entitled to a full refund. (<-- You seem to have combined two separate sentences into one! You should either write ‘I feel that I am entitled to a full refund’ or ‘I feel that a full refund is warranted’. They mean the same thing, essentially.)

I can be contacted at the address above, (<-- You haven’t specified which address, so I wrote ‘the address above’. In a real complaint letter, you would write your address at the top of the page, so ‘above’ makes sense for this reason.) along with my phone number. I would be appreciative of your prompt resolution of this matter.

Yours faithfully, (<-- When you don’t know the name of the person you’re writing to, you need to sign off with ‘yours faithfully’.)

Jenny Lam

----

I have some advice for you. I’d recommend quickly taking another look at how to write a formal letter of complaint, just to familiarise yourself with its layout. For example, the part about your address – that would be written at the top of the letter, as I mentioned. Also, it’s important to remember that the ‘sign-off’ phrase you use (‘yours faithfully’, ‘yours sincerely’, etc.) must match up with the way you have addressed the person at the beginning. You should only use ‘yours sincerely’ if you have written their name when you first addressed them – like ‘Dear Miss Redford’, for example.

Keep practising,

SyntaxFox

[rairaichan0323]

thank you SyntaxFox! i will keep practising

[andytruong1202]

You have recently bought a toy over the internet. When it was delivered you have found some problems with it. Write a letter to the toy company manager and say
- Give details of the purchase.
- Describe the problem.
- What do you expect the company to do about it?


Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to complain about the robot which I bought from your online shop last Friday. My username is rairaichan and the ordered reference number is AB200660.

After I had made the order, two days later I received it. At first it worked properly. However, while I was trying to play it with my son, I discovered the remote control did not work properly. Then, I tried to change the batteries but it still did not.

This made my son so unpleasant because this robot was his first birthday gift from me. In fact, this ruined his first birthday party. It was assumed that this was entirely the fault of your company. I feel that I am entitled to request a full refund which has been stated in the agreement.

I can be contacted at ....@hotmail.com or on 2252525. I would appreciate your solution for this matter.

Yours sincerely,
Jenny Lam

[rairaichan0323]

thank you!! can u help me to grade these letters too! thank you very much!!

http://www.ieltsnetwork.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=796

http://www.ieltsnetwork.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=809

[allen_zhang]

why it looks so familiar to me? I posted a letter a few days ago. see below:

You have recently bought a toy over the internet. When it was delivered you have found some problems with it. Write a letter to the toy company manager and say
- Give details of the purchase.
- Describe the problem.
- What do you expect the company to do about it?
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing to bring to your attention some problems with a toy I bought recently on your online shop, http://www.toytoy.com.
Last Friday, 12th of September, I made an order of a toy car (model number 1212) from your website. Your delivery was quick and it arrived just 2 days later on Sunday. I tried to play with it right after I got it. It worked just fine and I planned to surprise my son after he back from school. However, just a few hours later when I was trying to show it to my son, the remote stopped working! The red led lights on the remote and car were on, but the car did not move at all. I tried to change the batteries, but it still did not work.
Since I have lost my confidence about this model of toy car, rather than any replacement, I would like to return it and hope you will be able to refund me and pay the extra courier fare.
I look forward to receiving your response.

Yours faithfully,
Allen Zhang