please grade my essay !! thanks a lot

[rairaichan0323]

Money help us bring happiness but some people think that extra money creates problems also.
Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons and examples from your knowledge and experience

It is generally recognized that money assists us to discover happiness. Throughout history, modern humanity frequently discovered themselves living in a pleasant environment with no money problems. It is agreed that money can bring happiness to us. This argument will be proven by looking at how money can both alleviate our living problems and provide a various form of entertainments to humankind.

First of all, money can remove the barrier for people who are confronted with living difficulties. For example, money enables many affluent people to buy whatever they would like regardless of the price and enjoy their luxurious standard of living. This makes it clear that people would feel bliss when they are living in a comfortable living environment without concerning about money problems. As this example shows, money plays a pivotal role in determining how humanity can obtain joy.

In addition to this, the affluent people who can enjoy a various form of entertainments. For instance, only well-off people can afford to travel abroad and participate in different kind of activities to broaden their horizons. Thus, these colorful lifestyles not only would enrich their life experience, but also would give them joy. It is obvious that money can bring about happiness to human being.

Following this look at how money can both alleviate our living difficulties and provide entertainments to individuals, it has been proven that money is one of the methods for people to find their happiness. It seems highly advisable for individuals to collect extra money in order to enjoy their happiness and colorful lifestyle.

[andytruong1202]

Money help us bring happiness but some people think that extra money creates problems also.
Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons and examples from your knowledge and experience

It is generally recognized that money assists PEOPLE to discover happiness. Throughout history, humanity HAS frequently discovered themselves living in a pleasant environment with no money problems. It is agreed that money can bring happiness to us. This argument will be proven by looking at how money can both alleviate our living problems and provide various formS of entertainment to humankind.

First of all, money can remove the barrier for people confrontING with living difficulties. For example, HAVING A SIGNIFICANT SUM OF money enables many affluent people to buy whatever they LIKE regardless of the price and enjoy their luxurious standardS of living. This makes it clear that people would feel BLISSFUL when they are living in a comfortable environment without concerning about money problems. As this example shows, money plays a pivotal role in determining how humanity can obtain joy.

In addition to this, affluent people can enjoy various formS of entertainment. For instance, only well-off people can afford to travel abroad and participate in different kinDS of activities to broaden their horizons. Thus, these colorful lifestyles not only would enrich their life experience, but also would give them joy. It is obvious that money can bring about happiness to human-being.

Following this look at how money can both alleviate our living difficulties and provide entertainments to individuals, it has been proven that money is one of the methods for people to find their happiness. It seems highly advisable for individuals to collect(MAKE/EARN) extra money in order to enjoy their happiness and colorful lifestyle.

I think this essay could get 7 or higher.

[durai]

Hi rairaichan0323 ,

I guess you misunderstand the topic , the topic is ;

money brings happiness; this is defined already, so you not need to discuss about this.

will extra money cause problems or not?
extra money means after all your expenses , if you have some money what you do? is it benefit or drawback.

you have done this but you should mention with word like, extra money, disposable income, savings from salary, extra earnings...and use it appropriately.

I changed your first supporting paragraph.

First of all, extra money can remove the barrier for people confronting with living difficulties. Having an extra income enables individuals to buy whatever they like and enjoy good standard of living. A man, for example, able to save money after his expense will enable him in the future to buy well-structured house to live with immense happiness. This makes it clear that people would feel blissful when they are living in a comfortable environment with disposable income in their hand.

In short, four sentences in one paragraph.

1st sentence: tell how extra money is benefit
2nd sentence: expand your reason form first point.
3rd sentence : give example support of 2nd sentence( example should be very similar 2nd sentence.
4th sentence: what is the result of extra money.( positive or negative, in this case it is positive)


grammar part, if want band 7 , you need to write more complex structures, means , different clauses. I would recommend to use at least 2 noun clause, 2 adverbial clause and 2 relative clause.

your introduction is not clear, you said there is pleasant environment without money, that means you can enjoy your life without money , that contradicts your whole essay.

sorry to say, if you write same response for this question, you end up in band 5.5 or 6.