Please check my essay & benchmark it with band 9. Thank you

[andytruong1202]

Please grade my essay and suggest some improvements. I would greatly appreciate it

Task-2: some parents believe that it is good for children to spend time on watching TV and computer games; but other parents believe that they should spend time on doing something else such as reading books.
Agree or disagree with above statement.

In this day and age, technology has tremendously impacted on children’s ways of life. While it is believed by some that youngsters should use their time for TV shows and online games, others contend that the time should be rather spent on reading books or outdoor activities. I believe that children should spend time on healthy activities rather than sedentary activities for the following reasons.

To begin with, spending too much time on computers can lead to many health problems. This is to say that if children spend most of their time sitting in front of a computer, then they will experience regular headache, sore eyes, backache and the list goes on. This means that they will not be able to grow up in a healthy way. In all, health problems would arise if teenagers use excessive amount of time for computer gaming.

Continuing, if teenagers spent too much time playing computer games or watching TV, then their academic performance could be negatively affected. In other words, computer games and interesting TV programmes could make children addictive, then children would use all their time for these activities and ignore their homework which results in low academic performance. Therefore, children would not gain any achievements if they participated in these activities all the time.

On the other hand, engaging in other valuable activities can help the youth stay healthy, thus being able to perform better in their study. By doing physical exercises or outside activities, children can gain physical fitness which prevents children from having illnesses. Once children are healthier and more energetic, they will likely to be more concentrated in their study. Thus, these activities are worth it for children’s time.

In conclusion, time should be well spent on physical activities rather than on TV shows or computer games as this could make children healthier and perform better in their study. Thus, it is highly recommended that parents should monitor how children spend their time regularly.