In some societies, it is consider that it is totally the responsibility of women that they bring up their children without the help of their partner. Because they think that men are only responsible to earn money for them. But, I think that this idea has become old, now men and women both are responsible to bring up their children.
Firstly, in this modern age, children need attention and care of mothers as well as fathers. If the fathers give them proper time and affection, they bring up with confidence and their personality will be groom in the same way. In this way, they face the world in better way. Because they get ideas of both, mother and father, so they learn more how to survive in the world.
Secondly, in this fast moving world, it has become impossible for single man to bring up whole family alone. So, now most of women are doing some jobs and other works to look after their families. They look their jobs as well as families, so, it is the responsibility of men that they help their partner to bring up their children and to give them better future. In this way, men and women can work together properly and pay good attention to their homes and work.
It is concluded that fatherhood is also necessary for children as motherhood, so, they look the world with confidence. Now time has been changed and it is not only the responsibility of mothers to look after their children without the help of husbands.
Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The
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maria.sultana
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SyntaxFox
- IELTS Instructor
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Re: Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood.
Hi maria.sultana, thanks for posting. I've read your work, and I have a few tips for you.
Corrections are in red, and comments are in blue.
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In some societies, it is considered totally the responsibility of women to bring up their children without the help of their partner. (<-- I removed some words to make the sentence flow better.) They believe (<-- You can’t start a sentence with ‘because’.) that men should only be responsible for earning money. (<-- This was worded awkwardly, so I rephrased it.) However, (<-- The word ‘but’ shouldn't have a comma after it at the start of a sentence. You could either change it to ‘However,’ or just remove the comma.) I think that this idea has become old, because now men and women are both responsible for bringing up their children.
Firstly, in this modern age, children need the attention and care of their fathers as well as their mothers. (<-- I switched ‘mothers’ and ‘fathers’ around because using ‘as well as’ after a word implies that it’s a new addition to something. In this case, fathers are helping in addition to mothers, because mothers helped originally.) If their fathers give them proper time and affection, they can be brought up to face the world more confidently. (<-- The second half of the sentence didn't make sense, so I replaced it with the next sentence, which was short.) If the children learn from both their mother and father, they are better equipped to survive in the world. (<-- I reworded this sentence because it sounded a little awkward. Also, you can’t start a sentence with ‘because’.)
Secondly, in this fast moving world, it has become impossible for a single man to bring up a whole family alone. Now, many women have jobs as well as looking (<-- This didn’t make sense, and it was too long, so I reworded it.) after their families. As a result, (<-- I reworded this to avoid repetition with the previous sentence.) it is the responsibility of men to help their partner bring (<-- No need for the word ‘to’ here.) up their children and to give them a better future. In this way, men and women can work together and (<-- No need for the word ‘properly’ here.) pay attention to both their homes and their work.
I conclude that fathers are just as necessary for children as mothers, (<-- This didn't make sense, because it implied that children should be fathers or mothers! I reworded it.) so (<-- No need for a comma here.) they can feel confident. (<-- I reworded this to help the sentence flow better.) Now times have changed, and it is not only the responsibility of mothers to look after their children. (<-- No need for the last part, because it’s already implied.)
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I have some advice for you. Firstly, it’s preferable not to start a sentence with ‘because’. It’s a word that’s used to explain something, and as such, it works best when it joins two shorter sentences together. For example, here are two sentences: ‘I often go to the beach.’ ‘I like to build sandcastles.’ With the word ‘because’, you can join them together: ‘I often go to the beach because I like to build sandcastles.’
Secondly, sentences can flow better when there are fewer words. Try reading long sentences aloud to see if they are too complicated. If you need to pause for breath a couple of times, it probably needs cutting down!
Keep practising,
SyntaxFox
Corrections are in red, and comments are in blue.
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In some societies, it is considered totally the responsibility of women to bring up their children without the help of their partner. (<-- I removed some words to make the sentence flow better.) They believe (<-- You can’t start a sentence with ‘because’.) that men should only be responsible for earning money. (<-- This was worded awkwardly, so I rephrased it.) However, (<-- The word ‘but’ shouldn't have a comma after it at the start of a sentence. You could either change it to ‘However,’ or just remove the comma.) I think that this idea has become old, because now men and women are both responsible for bringing up their children.
Firstly, in this modern age, children need the attention and care of their fathers as well as their mothers. (<-- I switched ‘mothers’ and ‘fathers’ around because using ‘as well as’ after a word implies that it’s a new addition to something. In this case, fathers are helping in addition to mothers, because mothers helped originally.) If their fathers give them proper time and affection, they can be brought up to face the world more confidently. (<-- The second half of the sentence didn't make sense, so I replaced it with the next sentence, which was short.) If the children learn from both their mother and father, they are better equipped to survive in the world. (<-- I reworded this sentence because it sounded a little awkward. Also, you can’t start a sentence with ‘because’.)
Secondly, in this fast moving world, it has become impossible for a single man to bring up a whole family alone. Now, many women have jobs as well as looking (<-- This didn’t make sense, and it was too long, so I reworded it.) after their families. As a result, (<-- I reworded this to avoid repetition with the previous sentence.) it is the responsibility of men to help their partner bring (<-- No need for the word ‘to’ here.) up their children and to give them a better future. In this way, men and women can work together and (<-- No need for the word ‘properly’ here.) pay attention to both their homes and their work.
I conclude that fathers are just as necessary for children as mothers, (<-- This didn't make sense, because it implied that children should be fathers or mothers! I reworded it.) so (<-- No need for a comma here.) they can feel confident. (<-- I reworded this to help the sentence flow better.) Now times have changed, and it is not only the responsibility of mothers to look after their children. (<-- No need for the last part, because it’s already implied.)
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I have some advice for you. Firstly, it’s preferable not to start a sentence with ‘because’. It’s a word that’s used to explain something, and as such, it works best when it joins two shorter sentences together. For example, here are two sentences: ‘I often go to the beach.’ ‘I like to build sandcastles.’ With the word ‘because’, you can join them together: ‘I often go to the beach because I like to build sandcastles.’
Secondly, sentences can flow better when there are fewer words. Try reading long sentences aloud to see if they are too complicated. If you need to pause for breath a couple of times, it probably needs cutting down!
Keep practising,
SyntaxFox
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maria.sultana
- Posts: 6
- Joined: Sat Feb 22, 2014 5:25 pm
Re: Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood.
Hi syntaxfox. Your correction is helpful for me. I am glad for this favour.
Thanks.
Thanks.