Please review my Writing Task 2

[budiwaluyo]

Dear All,
Please review my Writing Task 2. I will take the Test on May, 30. Targeting band 7.0.
Thx..


Topic:
In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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In some regions young people are involved in many areas of working with interesting payment. According to me, engaging children as employee is considered for developing their competency. However, I also believe that work load is important to be monitored continuously.

Some people support the opinion that it is absolutely wrong to recruiting teenager for working in the company due to the requirement in the law of labor which states that children do not meet the capability to do so. Young people should be still studying at school for increasing their skills including analytical, technical, and human relation skill. It is commonly believed that teenager has no sufficient competency to produce an excellent performance in the office. Furthermore, they have no responsibility to earn money because they are not taking obligation to fund the family.
In contrast, it is argued by many that employing young people is acceptable because working can generate meaningful experience for them in particular condition. Young employee possibly get a chance to implement their skills by practicing it on the field work. For example, student can practice to assembling the bus in the manufacturing plant in which they can develop further understanding how to make a better car based on their experience.

Many people also believe that children may get another benefit as an employee, such as learning to take responsibility by involving themselves into the real situation of taking responsibility as worker who has to follow the rules and procedures. It is important to learning how to confirm the company regulation. For instance, employees have to finish making the bus in two days and must concern about timing and consider the quality. In addition, it is often thought that being an employee results financial benefit that they can try to generate money by their own hand which is important to educate them how to get those dollars and to build adequate understanding that it was not easy to earn the money.

To summarize, I am of the opinion that employing children is allowed as long as they are well supervised and the company has to pay attention on their work load.

[Matilda]

Hi,
I am also an IELTS student. Here are a few suggestions for your essay. The red-coloured words and phrases may need to be reviewed and changed. I think you may need to improve on your grammars and written expressions.
Cheers!

In some regions young people are involved in many areas of working with interesting payment. According to me, engaging children as employee is considered for developing their competency. However, I also believe that work load is important to be monitored continuously.

Some people support the opinion that it is absolutely wrong to recruiting teenagers for working in the company due to the requirement in the law of labor which states that children do not meet the capability to do so. Young people should be still studying at school for increasing their skills including analytical, technical, and human relation skill. It is commonly believed that teenager has no sufficient competency to produce an excellent performance in the office. Furthermore, they have no responsibility to earn money because they are not taking obligation to fund the family.

[budiwaluyo]

Hi Matilda,
That was a great comment.. I will try to practicing another writing.
Thanks for your review..
Have a nice studying..

Best regard

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi!
I think this essay is quite good in that it looks at both sides of the debate and has some good ideas, e.g. workload and supervision. The structure is clear. I would focus on 3 areas to improve your work.
1. Grammar - always a tough one! Thank you Matilda for your suggestions!
2. Vocabulary - Again, Matilda has helpfully pointed out some key errors.
3. Try to give good, clear examples. I must admit that the bus building confused me a little. When I was a kid, I delivered newspapers to people's homes. Some other kids gave out leaflets on the street.
Good luck!
David