Task 2: use of fresh water

[delvydavis]

Guys, Please correct my essay:

Some people think they have right to use as much fresh water as they want，others，otherwise believes governments should strictly control the use of fresh water as it is a limited resource. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Water is the most essential element for survival of humankind. 71 percent of the planet is covered with water, however only 3% fresh water is suitable to use. While some people argue the right for unlimited use of fresh water, others object it and asks the government to restrict its use. While supporting the restriction, I believe that one cannot be denied the right to use fresh water as it was the basic needs of the human race.

The environmental problems have a detrimental effect on the climate. As a result, the percentage of rain we do receive every year has declined significantly. In addition to that, the global warming has resulted in a huge meltdown of the ice layers in the Antartic, which is considered as one of the main source of fresh water supply. Thus, it is clear that the excessive usage of fresh water such a wasting water in swimming pools as misuse of water for domestic purpose must be abandoned. And so the government must implement new rules to limit this.

On the other hand, fresh water is the basic necessity of human beings. While limiting the generous usage of water, there is a possibility to hinder the water supply to the needed people. For example, in most of the cities in India the fresh water supply to the community through public irrigation system is for limited hours only, whereas for hotels & restaurants have a 24hours water supply. As a result, the poor people are suffering for water. Fresh water is essential for a healthy society. Thus one cannot deny the right to use water.

Although there are heated debates for and against the fresh water usage, I affirm that a proper water supply system should be carried out to provide fresh water to the public. A fair usage policy must be applied by the government as well as the individuals to save our race and planet.


Thanks & regards
Delvy

[dance]

Water is the most essential element for survival of humankind(mankind). 71 percent of the planet is covered with water, however only 3% fresh water is suitable to(for) use. While some people argue for the right for unlimited use of fresh water, others object it,and asks (ask) the government to restrict its use. While supporting the restriction, I believe that one cannot be denied(not required)(deny) the right to use fresh water as it was (is) the basic needs (need) of the human race.

The environmental problems have a detrimental effect on the climate. As a result, the percentage of rain we do receive every year has declined significantly. In addition to that, the global warming has resulted in a huge meltdown of the ice layers in the Antartic, which is considered as one of the main source of fresh water supply. Thus, it is clear that the excessive usage of fresh water such a wasting water in swimming pools as misuse of water (do not able to understand this) for domestic purpose must be abandoned. And(not required) so the government must implement new rules to limit this.

On the other hand, fresh water is the basic necessity of human beings. While limiting the generous usage of water, there is a possibility to hinder the water supply to the needed people. For example, in most of the cities in India the fresh water supply to the community through public irrigation system is for limited hours only, whereas for hotels & restaurants have a 24hours water supply. As a result, the poor people are suffering for water. Fresh water is essential for a healthy society. Thus one cannot deny the right to use water.(2nd para was bit confusing)

Although there are heated debates for and against the fresh water usage, I affirm that a proper water supply system should be carried out to provide fresh water to the public. A fair usage policy must be applied by the government as well as the individuals to save our race and planet.

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Hi Dear,

As per my knowledge and understanding I tried to make a few changes in your writing. It was overall good for me.
Hope this will help you.

take care
cheers

[delvydavis]

Hi ____,
the thesis I made as a balanced one. I support both the arguments, with certain restrictions and right to use fresh water

even I thought so, the first body paragraph is not well structured. let me try to rewrite again.

[delvydavis]

Hi Dear,

As per my knowledge and understanding I tried to make a few changes in your writing. It was overall good for me.
Hope this will help you.

take care
cheers

Thanks Dance, let me rewrite it with the corrections.

[Shahnoza]

Hello Delvy I have read ur writing and understand that you have an ability in it.but i there're some sentences unclear to understand.for ex. The poor countries are suffering for water.And i changed it in this way. Poor countries are suffering from lack of fresh water.

[Ryan]

Hi Delvy,

You've been tirelessly helping others with their writing, I felt the least I could do is dig out this old essay and provide you with a bit of feedback.

Your writing is very good; however, there are areas in need of tweaking (article and preposition misuse, awkward word choices, ...). Most sentences contain a grammatical issue that causes the reader mild discomfort. This is of course not the experience we want to give the examiner!

I'm going to rewrite your essay and try to follow your original sentence progression (although I will need to do some restructuring in the first supporting paragraph). I hope this helps illustrate how you can improve the grammar:

Water is essential to the survival of humankind. However, despite the fact that 71 percent of the planet is covered with water, only 3 percent of fresh water is suitable for use. While some people argue that unlimited use of fresh water is a basic human right, others object and instead argue that governments should restrict its use. Although I see merit in this restriction, I equally believe that one cannot be denied the right to use fresh water, as it is among the most basic needs of the human race. The benefits of both positions will be demonstrated in this essay.

Firstly, fresh water is not a renewable resource and thus requires government control to prevent its exhaustion. For example, human activity has led to both the melting of the polar ice caps and a significant drop in the percentage of annual rainfall. As these two resources are considered humanity's main suppliers of fresh water, it is clear that their excessive use for purposes such as filling swimming pools and carrying out domestic chores must be guided by a comprehensive government plan. Thus, the merits of government intervention in human water use can be seen.

On the other hand, because fresh water is a basic human necessity, restricting its access could be argued a human rights infringement[/color]. For example, in most of the cities in India the fresh water supply to the community through the public irrigation system is made available for limited hours only, whereas hotels and restaurants are given a 24 hour water supply. As this division in water access patterns the buying power of the people, it is clear that the rights of the poor are being marginalized. Thus, one cannot deny the right to fresh water.

Although there are heated debates for and against the use of fresh water, I affirm that a proper water supply system should be established in all major cities to provide fresh water to the public. A fair usage policy must be applied by the government and subscribed to by the people to save both the human race and the planet.

I was a little surprised to se you take the middle ground in this essay. As you know, I recommend students avoid doing this as it can lead to grammatical inaccuracy and confusion on the part of the reader. For the sake of your exam (and remember: our primary goal is maximizing score), consider choosing and proving one side of the argument only.

I felt your examples and the conclusions you draw from the examples were pretty good. However, I was a little disappointed in the manner with which you state the first example. You seem to do a lot of discussion before actually sharing the examples of the polar ice caps, rainfall and domestic water usage. Please note my rewording.

Please don't forget the importance of parallelism. One of your opening sentences uses both the symbol (%) and the word "percent". Be consistent.

Overall, I feel you'd likely score band 6.5 for your original essay. The grammar and occasion lexical awkwardness causes mild incoherence and loss of Task Achievement, and I feel these are what would convince the examiner that this essay is not band 7.

I know I speak on behalf of everyone when I thank you for the help you have been providing here at the forum!