Please check my essay. Thanks. :)

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sophia_rivera
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2014 4:50 am

Please check my essay. Thanks. :)

Post by sophia_rivera »

Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school

Do the advantage of this outweigh the disadvantages?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience.

It is believed by some specialists that foreign language integration in preschool is more advantageous rather than to wait until they get into high school. I strongly support such conviction as I am very well convinced that its benefits overshadow its drawbacks, if there is any.
We must acknowledge that it is indeed a well-known fact that English is a global language. Thus, to teach English to school children at such very young age will ultimately equip them for the later stage of their education. Generally, the subjects taught in school are using English as a medium of instruction such as Mathematics and Science. In that case, if a child has a very good English foundation from the beginning, it will consequently enable them to understand the lesson much easier compared to those who still struggle understanding English.
In addition, it is more effective to teach young children compared to teenagers. Admittedly, even a toddler who is always exposed to English channels on television can impressively learn how to speak and to understand English. This is because, younger brains are more adaptive and flexible compared to older ones. Hence, the inclusion of foreign language such as English to the kindergarten curriculum will absolutely yield more favorable outcomes.
Nevertheless, there are some unfavorable consequences that can be drawn upon this issue. Some individuals argue that, for example, teaching Chinese to non-Chinese pupils in a Chinese school is not of any relevance. Some reasons can be attributed to shift of attention when they should be focusing more on crucial subjects; or it will only cause an unnecessary burden. However, it should be noted that Chinese also plays a vital role in terms of business. Thereby, if parents do not realize its significance, then it will be up to their own discretion.
To provide a summary, it is of greater magnitude to commence other language education such as English at an early instance.
allen_zhang
Posts: 362
Joined: Tue Feb 25, 2014 2:41 am

Re: Please check my essay. Thanks. :)

Post by allen_zhang »

Hi,
I assume you are a Chinese. I am a Chinese too.
I took a quick look of your essay. I point out some big mistakes in your essay.
My general impression about this essay is:
I saw many awkwardness in your sentences. Even if I am not qualified to judge, I have to say that I don't agree with many of your word choices. Looks like you tried to translate a Chinese essay to English essay word by word. my suggestion is : try to use simple and understandable words.
I wrote an essay about this topic in another thread, you can check it.
http://www.ieltsnetwork.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=954

A suggestion to you:
Carefully read the topic before you start to write.


Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school

Do the advantage of this outweigh the disadvantages?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is believed by some specialists that foreign language integration in preschool(!!!this is a huge mistake, why preschool?? ) is more advantageous rather than to wait until they get into high school. I strongly support such conviction as I am very well convinced that its benefits overshadow its drawbacks, if there is any.(sounds like you don't believe there is any. However, you mentioned some drawbacks in the 4th paragraph, this harms your coherence)
We must acknowledge that it is indeed a well-known fact that English is a global language(another huge mistake!!! why English! the topic only mentions about "a foreign language". it can be Chinese! ). Thus, to teach English to school children at such very young age will ultimately equip them for the later stage of their education. Generally, the subjects taught in school are using English as a medium of instruction such as Mathematics and Science. In that case, if a child has a very good English foundation from the beginning, it will consequently enable them to understand the lesson much easier compared to those who still struggle understanding English.
In addition, it is more effective to teach young children compared to teenagers. Admittedly, (it is wrong to use "admitterdly", because your are not make a concession here.)even a toddler who is always exposed to English channels on television can impressively learn how to speak and to understand English. This is because, younger brains are more adaptive and flexible compared to older ones. Hence, the inclusion of foreign language such as English to the kindergarten curriculum will absolutely yield more favorable outcomes.
Nevertheless, there are some unfavorable consequences that can be drawn upon this issue. Some individuals argue that, for example, teaching Chinese to non-Chinese pupils in a Chinese school is not of any relevance.(how is this relevant?) Some reasons can be attributed to shift of attention when they should be focusing more on crucial subjects; or it will only cause an unnecessary burden. However, it should be noted that Chinese also plays a vital role in terms of business. Thereby, if parents do not realize its significance, then it will be up to their own discretion.("Chinese" again, you should talk about "a second language". you can use "English in China" as a example )
To provide a summary, it is of greater magnitude to commence other language education such as English at an early instance.
#1 2013-09-07 L7.5; R8; S6; W6
#2 2014-03-08 L7.5; R7; S7; W5.5
#3 2014-05-10 L7.5; R8; S6.5; W6
#4 2014-06-21 L7.5; R6.5; S5.5; W7
#4 2014-06-21 L7.5; R6.5; S7; W5.5
allen_zhang
Posts: 362
Joined: Tue Feb 25, 2014 2:41 am

Re: Please check my essay. Thanks. :)

Post by allen_zhang »

Hi,
I assume you are a Chinese. I am a Chinese too.
I checked your essay a little. I point out some big mistakes in your essay.
My general impression about this essay is:
I saw many awkwardness in your sentences. Even if I am not qualified to judge, I have to say that I don't agree with many of your word choices. Looks like you tried to translate a Chinese essay to English essay word by word. my suggestion is : try to use simple and understandable words.
I wrote an essay about this topic in another thread, you can check it.
http://www.ieltsnetwork.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=954

A suggestion to you:
Carefully read the topic before you start to write.


Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school

Do the advantage of this outweigh the disadvantages?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is believed by some specialists that foreign language integration in preschool(!!!this is a huge mistake, why preschool?? ) is more advantageous rather than to wait until they get into high school. I strongly support such conviction as I am very well convinced that its benefits overshadow its drawbacks, if there is any.(sounds like you don't believe there is any. However, you mentioned some drawbacks in the 4th paragraph, this harms your coherence)
We must acknowledge that it is indeed a well-known fact that English is a global language(another huge mistake!!! why English! the topic only mentions about "a foreign language". it can be Chinese! ). Thus, to teach English to school children at such very young age will ultimately equip them for the later stage of their education. Generally, the subjects taught in school are using English as a medium of instruction such as Mathematics and Science. In that case, if a child has a very good English foundation from the beginning, it will consequently enable them to understand the lesson much easier compared to those who still struggle understanding English.
In addition, it is more effective to teach young children compared to teenagers. Admittedly, (it is wrong to use "admitterdly", because your are not make a concession here.)even a toddler who is always exposed to English channels on television can impressively learn how to speak and to understand English. This is because, younger brains are more adaptive and flexible compared to older ones. Hence, the inclusion of foreign language such as English to the kindergarten curriculum will absolutely yield more favorable outcomes.
Nevertheless, there are some unfavorable consequences that can be drawn upon this issue. Some individuals argue that, for example, teaching Chinese to non-Chinese pupils in a Chinese school is not of any relevance.(how is this relevant?) Some reasons can be attributed to shift of attention when they should be focusing more on crucial subjects; or it will only cause an unnecessary burden. However, it should be noted that Chinese also plays a vital role in terms of business. Thereby, if parents do not realize its significance, then it will be up to their own discretion.("Chinese" again, you should talk about "a second language". you can use "English in China" as a example )
To provide a summary, it is of greater magnitude to commence other language education such as English at an early instance.
#1 2013-09-07 L7.5; R8; S6; W6
#2 2014-03-08 L7.5; R7; S7; W5.5
#3 2014-05-10 L7.5; R8; S6.5; W6
#4 2014-06-21 L7.5; R6.5; S5.5; W7
#4 2014-06-21 L7.5; R6.5; S7; W5.5
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