sponsorship letter need feedback

[saran]

You have just found out you’ve been awarded sponsorship for a project you’ve been working on.
Write a letter to your sponsor. In your letter
• describe the details of the project
• explain how the funds will be used
• write a message of appreciation for the support
Write at least 150 words.
You do NOT need to write any addresses. Begin your letter as follows:



Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing this letter to express my heartfelt gratitude for sponsoring my project.
As you know, I am doing research in motion technology, as I mentioned in my previous letter for the college project for the last two months. I want to enlighten the project briefly. The project is about to create motion sensor robot. Consequently, it requires investment to create a robot. With help of the funds provided by your sponsor, I will manage to assemble a robot.

I really appreciate your understanding and support regarding the changes we are making to the project plan. Thank you for your confidence in me .I am sure you are going to be pleased with the results.

If you have further enquire about this project, please do not hesitate to contact me on my mobile number 566654654 or via my email id sdfsff@gmail.com.In addition to this, I also enclosed my project plan in this letter, which further details about the investment.

Yours sincerely,
saran

[Tina]

Dear Sir/Madam,


I am writing this letter to express my heartfelt gratitude for sponsoring my project.

I am writing this letter to express my gratitude for awarding a sponsorship for my project .


As you know, I am doing research in motion technology, as I mentioned in my previous letter for the college project for the last two months. I want to enlighten the project briefly. The project is about to create motion sensor robot. Consequently, it requires investment to create a robot. With help of the funds provided by your sponsor, I will manage to assemble a robot.

The subject of my research project is 'Motion Technology " As I briefed you earlier , when I submitted my initial report . In this letter , I would like to explain my project in details . This includes creation of sensor robot , which obviously requires huge investment . These robots works with the help of magnetic energy and they will prove extremely useful in modern society as they can be employed to do domestic work safely . I am sure it will be big hit in the mordern society .


I really appreciate your understanding and support regarding the changes we are making to the project plan. Thank you for your confidence in me .I am sure you are going to be pleased with the results.

I really appreciate your vision and cooperation for my project . I am extremely thankful for showing confidence in my abilities . I am sure that I will not disappoint you . Please do find the attached project report in details .

If you have further enquire about this project, please do not hesitate to contact me on my mobile number 566654654 or via my email id sdfsff@gmail.com.In addition to this, I also enclosed my project plan in this letter, which further details about the investment.( no need of this para )

Thanks
saran
Senior scientist
NOVA institute
Phone nu
E mail address .

In such letters you can always write your contact details at the end of your sign . You need to cover the topic in 150 words .

[Tina]

1 Avoid heartfelt n official letters , you are writing to your parents .

2 enlighten is not correct word . You can explain to them .

3 you are writing to your sponsor , so why r u writing that with the help of your sponsor . It's incorrect .

4 you have not yet started project report so why are you talking about the changes in your project .

5 Further enquire is incorrect . Firstly why they should enquire u , secondly it should be enquiry .

[Ryan]

Hi Saran,

(Tina, your comments are very helpful. Thank you for contributing your thoughts!)

Your structure is quite good, Saran. I think the manner in which you've split the letter into three paragraphs works well. I am a little confused what is going on between the first line, "I am writing...", and the second, "As you know...". Are these lines in different paragraphs?

There are several very awkwardly worded sentences in the letter, and I feel this awkwardness derives mainly from poor grammar and inaccurate vocabulary choices. I'm going to separate these issues into mini paragraphs to make them easier for you to review:

Please review article usage (i.e. a motion sensor robot, the help of your funds).

"Consequently, it requires investment to create a robot" makes you sound like you were surprised to find out funding was needed.

"With the help of the funds provided by your sponsor" is a phrase that confuses me because you are writing to the sponsor themselves. I am also unsure why you thank your sponsor for their support of your "changes to the project plan". There is no specific mention of this in the Task description. The sponsor is simply supporting the project as a whole.

You should be using a single space after all commas and full stops. I'd like to see accurate punctuation in all of your future submissions. Punctuation errors can cause you to make a terrible first impression with the examiner.

It is "email", not "email id".

Watch your tenses. "I also enclosed" should be "I have also enclosed". Other tense issues exist in may areas of the letter.

Why are you not capitalizing the first letter of your name?

All of this considered, I think we are looking at about a band 5.5.

Shortening your sentences and getting someone to grammar polish your work are the first steps you need to take to improve.

[saran]

thank you so much Tina once again for your effort.

[saran]

hi ryan,
Thank you so much for reviewing my letter. with the help of your video and your comment I believe that I will get 7 band in writing.

Regards,
Saran