pls help and band it too! thank you

Post your Task 1 or 2 response and/or read the responses of other students and provide feedback.
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rairaichan0323
Posts: 196
Joined: Fri Mar 14, 2014 11:03 am

pls help and band it too! thank you

Post by rairaichan0323 »

Some people think that it is better to educate boys and girls in separate schools. Others, however, believe that boys and girls benefit more from attending mixed schools.
Discuss both these views and given you own opinion.

There are widely differing views on the issue of whether it is better to teach boys and girls in separate schools or mixed schools. Some people would argue that it is good for the students to educate in separate schools while many believe that studying in the mixed schools is best for children. These pionts of view will be discussed before arriving at a satisfactory outcome.

It is believed by some that educating boys and girls separately in the different schools is in the best interest of them since it enables the schools to fulfil the pupils’ potential in specific subjects. For example, traditionally, boys are typically good in science and mathematics and girls frequently interested in studying languages. Consequently, the separate schools can utilize their resources more efficiently to cultivate them according to their genders’ characteristics. Thus, it is clear why some people gravitate towards teaching boys and girls in the different schools are better.

On the other hand, many argue that studying in the mixed schools has had positive influences to the students as they can learn how to communicate with the opposite gender. For instance, we must have chances to contact opposite gender in the workplace. Thus, the mixed schools afford chances for the children to learn and practice how to cooperate and communicate with different genders. After analyzing this point of view, it is certainly true that why many support this claim.

By way of conclusion, both of the views have supported and refuted by many. However, after analyzing these two points of view, I personally believe that the pupils can obtain greater benefits from attending the mixed schools. Studying in the mixed schools is highly recommended.
saqibali
Posts: 452
Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2014 6:56 am

Re: pls help and band it too! thank you

Post by saqibali »

rairaichan0323 wrote:Some people think that it is better to educate boys and girls in separate schools. Others, however, believe that boys and girls benefit more from attending mixed schools.
Discuss both these views and given you own opinion.

There are widely differing views on the issue of whether it is better to teach boys and girls in separate schools or mixed[use different words like co-education schools] schools. Some people would[why you have used would] argue that it is good for the students to educate in separate schools while many believe that studying in the mixed schools is best for children[sentence need rephrasing.........bring cohesion....while many believe that it better for them to study in mixed schools][introduce some example as you did in second paragraph]. These points of view will be discussed before arriving at a satisfactory outcome.

[On the other hand, to the other camp etc]It is believed by some that educating boys and girls separately in the different schools is in the best interest of them since it enables the schools to fulfill the pupils’ potential in specific subjects. For example, traditionally, boys are typically good in science and mathematics and girls frequently interested in studying languages. Consequently, the separate schools can utilize their resources more efficiently to cultivate them according to their genders’ characteristics. Thus, it is clear why some people gravitate towards teaching boys and girls in the different schools are better.

On the other hand, many argue that studying in the mixed schools has had positive influences to the students as they can learn how to communicate with the opposite gender. For instance, we must have chances to contact opposite gender in the workplace. Thus, the mixed schools afford chances for the children to learn and practice how to cooperate and communicate with different genders. After analyzing this point of view, it is certainly true that why many support this claim.

By way of conclusion[A bit odd phrase], both of the views have supported and refuted by many. However, after analyzing these two points of view, I personally believe that the pupils can obtain greater benefits from attending the mixed schools. Studying in the mixed schools is highly recommended.
Below are some advices for your consideration.
Try to bring cohesion inside a sentence.
Each sentence of second paragraph should be coherent to each sentence of first paragraph.Like you have given example in first paragraph, give example in second paragraph also.
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durai
Posts: 401
Joined: Fri Mar 14, 2014 6:35 pm

Re: pls help and band it too! thank you

Post by durai »

There are widely differing views on the issue of whether it is better to teach boys and girls in (the)separate (schools,remove "schools") or mixed schools. Some people (would, remove "would") argue that it is good for the students to educate in separate schools while many believe that studying in the mixed schools is best for children. These points of view will be discussed before arriving at a satisfactory outcome.

It is believed by some ( doesn't sound academic)( On the one hand, some people are of the opinion that educating boys and girls separately in the different schools ("is in the best interest of them ", remove this part) since it enables the schools to fulfil ( spelling wrong)the pupils’ potential in specific subjects.( consider rewording first sentence as it sounds low level) For example, traditionally, boys are typically good in science and mathematics(,) and girls "frequently"( poor choice, just remove "frequently" "often" suits well)(are) interested in studying languages. Consequently, the separate( replace "separate" with pronoun, otherwise you tend to repeat same word"these") schools can utilize their resources more efficiently to cultivate (learners) according to their genders’ characteristics. Thus, it is clear why some people gravitate towards teaching boys and girls in the different schools ("are better" remove as it doesn't make sense .) ( you ca use "gender-specific" schools)

On the other hand, many argue that studying in the mixed schools has ("had"unnecessary, had means something happened in the past ) positive influences to the students as they can learn how to communicate with the opposite gender. For instance, we (must) have chances to contact opposite gender in the workplace.( not a good example)(" For instance,co-education institutes provide opportunities to mix with other genre of students so that it breaks gender barriers.") Thus, the mixed( use pronoun, "these" schools afford( offer) chances for the children to learn and practice how to cooperate and communicate with different genders ("later in work places"). After analyzing this point of view, it is certainly true that why many support this claim.

By (the_way of conclusion, both of the views have supported and refuted by many.(you said supported and refuted, then where is the refuted point of view, you suppose to say, both views have strong support, just double check before you write) However, after analyzing these two points of view, I personally believe that the pupils can obtain greater benefits from attending the mixed schools. Studying in the mixed schools is highly recommended.( dont use such short scripts, they lose mark, minimum word length 15 sentences, but you write couple of short ones , if you want to make idea clear to the examiner)

TR band 6
CC band 6
LR band 5, because you reapeated words
GR & A band 6

overall 5.5 , your structure is fine, but improve sentence formation, and word forms.
JAN 2014 L 8.5 R 8 W 6.5 S 6.5
FEB 2014 L 8 R 8 W 7 S 6.5
APR 2014 L 8 R 9 W 6.5 S 7
JUN 2014 L 8.5 R 7 W 6.5 S 6
July 2014 L 8.5 R 7 W 6.5 S 6.5
OCT 2014 L 7.5 R 7 W 7 S 7
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