Topic on influence of genes versus developmental experiences on personality

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chang
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Topic on influence of genes versus developmental experiences on personality

Post by chang »

I have just started IELTS preparation about two weeks ago and I sincerely need someone to critically assess my writing and give me a possible band score as I have no idea where I stand and how an IELTS essay is actually written. Any input will be appreciated.
Cambridge Practice Tests for IELTS 5 – Test 4 – Academic writing task 2
Research indicates that the characteristics we are born with have much more influence on our personality and development that any experiences we may have in our life. Which do you consider to be the major factor?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from you own knowledge or experience.


Biologists have been studying the field of genetic analysis since the late nineteenth century. However not until the completion of the Human Genome Project in the dawn of the twenty-first century, did the subject start attracting the interest of the common man. However, the “Nature versus Nurture” debate between molecular biologists and sociobiologists was instrumental in genetic inheritance gaining worldwide interests.

Gregor Mendel is known as the “Father of modern genetics” and his laws of inheritance resulting from his experiments on pea plants is still applicable today. He described how genes (he called them “traits”) are inherited from parents to offspring. The laws are also applicable to how blue eyes or the tendency to develop cardiovascular diseases is passed down in the family. Even personalities like rowdiness form family traits.

Interestingly, however, the mere possession of a dominant gene will not express unless all environmental cues support its development. Every seed contains all the characteristics for germination and growth. But if harsh environmental conditions persists, some seeds become dormant. Therefore, environmental interferences also determine the development of a trait. The study of monozygotic (identical) twins suggested that although they possess the same identical set of genes however, they may mature into two completely different personalities depending upon their upbringing.

Unfortunately, such studies have led some people to falsely believe that the environment is chiefly responsible for a person’s character. Nevertheless these people find it difficult to explain why all the students in the same class do not score the same marks and follow the same career path considering they all receive the same level of education and guidance.

In conclusion, my personal opinion is that the personality of a person is determined by a fine balance between inherited characteristics and environmental influence. Considerably more research in this area is required to ascertain how the two factors coordinate and which factor contributes majorly.
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sebastian
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Re: Topic on influence of genes versus developmental experiences on personality

Post by sebastian »

You address the topic quite well (although perhaps the bit about 'nurture' is slightly rushed in the end) and your vocabulary's great. Some nitpicks:
However not until the completion of the Human Genome Project
Missing comma after the adverb.
... the ... debate between molecular biologists and sociobiologists was instrumental in genetic inheritance ...
Is the debate over? I suggest using present perfect instead, since the debate started in the past but is ongoing.
in genetic inheritance gaining worldwide interests
A singular 'interest' would be more powerful there.
his laws of inheritance ... is still applicable today.
Plural noun, so you should use a plural form of the verb.
He described how genes (he called them “traits”) are inherited from parents to offspring.
Reported speech uses V2 (or 'past form' of the verb, even if it's not technically past) for that case.
... blue eyes or the tendency to develop cardiovascular diseases is passed down...
Plural subject (eyes + tendency), so you should've used a plural form of the verb.
the mere possession of a dominant gene will not express
Is the possession that performs the action of expressing, or is it the gene? If so, it should be passive voice and you could rephrase for more clarity.
Every seed contains all the characteristics for germination and growth. But if harsh environmental ...
A comma would work way better than a full stop.
But if harsh environmental conditions persists
Same plural vs singular case as earlier.
The study of monozygotic (identical) twins suggested that...
Is the study over? Moreover, is it just one study?
Nevertheless these people find it difficult to explain
Missing comma after the adverb.
the personality of a person is determined
Too redundant to use the same root twice.
how the two factors coordinate and which factor contributes majorly.
Same case.

None of those errors obstruct communication, so I'm sure your essay would still get quite a high score (I won't dare guess which band though, I'm not trained enough for that yet).

Still, the same essay with some of my suggestions (but keeping as close to your original as possible) would be like this:

------

Biologists have been studying the field of genetic analysis since the late nineteenth century. However, not until the completion of the Human Genome Project in the dawn of the twenty-first century, did the subject start attracting the interest of the common man. The “Nature versus Nurture” debate between molecular biologists and sociobiologists has still been instrumental in genetic inheritance gaining worldwide interest.

Gregor Mendel is known as the “Father of modern genetics” and his laws of inheritance resulting from his experiments on pea plants are still applicable today. He described how genes (he called them “traits”) were inherited from parents to offspring. Said laws are also applicable to how blue eyes or the tendency to develop cardiovascular diseases is passed down in the family. Even personalities like rowdiness form family traits.

Interestingly, however, a dominant gene will not be expressed out of mere possession, unless all environmental cues support its development. Every seed contains all the characteristics for germination and growth, but if harsh environmental conditions persist, some seeds become dormant. Therefore, environmental interferences also determine the development of a trait. Studies of monozygotic (identical) twins have suggested that, although they possess the same identical set of genes, they may mature into two completely different personalities depending upon their upbringing.

Unfortunately, such studies have led some people to falsely believe that the environment is chiefly responsible for a person’s character. Nevertheless, these people find it difficult to explain why all the students in the same class do not get the same marks or follow the same career path considering they all receive the same level of education and guidance.

In conclusion, my personal opinion is that the personality of an individual is determined by a fine balance between inherited characteristics and environmental influence. Considerably more research in this area is required to ascertain how the two factors coordinate and which one contributes majorly.
'It's OK to just want more.' - Mark Hoppus
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chang
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Re: Topic on influence of genes versus developmental experiences on personality

Post by chang »

thankyou Sebastain! that really was an indepth analysis of my essay and I will ensure to pay attention to the minute details in my next essay.
However, I am still clueless of what my band score is. I wish someone could tell me where I currently stand :roll:
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