pls give some comment!! task 2 save for future

[rairaichan0323]

Some people think they should save for their future life in order to live after retiring. To what extent do you agrees?

In the present age, saving money is essential for supporting our later lives. But at the same time, controversy has arisen whether we should save for our future lives. Some people would argue that people should keep their income for their retiring lives. While it is certainly valid arguments to the contrary, I personally believe that we should keep some part of our income for our future expenses.

First of all, in Asian countries, the majority of governments do not have complete well-being systems to the senior citizens. For example, in Hong Kong, a lot of elderly people still have to work in supporting their own basic living costs. This makes it clear, retired residents are not able to obtain sufficient perks from the governments. As a result, in order to support their future lives individuals have to save money in their early life.

Secondly and even more importantly, the elderly parents do not want to give undue pressure to their offspring. For instance, the older people are unable to support themselves and require financial support from their decedents. Thus, these financial supports may create over stress to their children. It is obvious that the most effective method to address their future living problem is saving money from youngsters.

By way of conclusion, I once again reaffirm my position that saving for the later life is in the interests of the people. Also, I believe that it seems advisable for youths to commence saving from now.

[Ryan]

Hi rairaichan,

I feel there is too much personal language in the opening of this essay. Phrases like "our later lives", "our income" and "our future expense" make the essay tone similar to that of a letter. Remember that you should be demonstrating academic voice.

Grammar is clearly an issue. It looks as though every sentence has at least one grammatical error. Unfortunately, these errors lead to incoherence and times. Take this sentence as an example: "First of all, in Asian countries, the majority of governments do not have complete well-being systems to the senior citizens." I have read this sentence several times and am assuming you meant something more like this: "Firstly, old age care is lacking in many developing countries."

Articles and countable/uncountable nouns seem to be particular challenges. There are a couple of good Purdue write-ups on these topics (articles - https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/540/01/ countable/uncountable noun use - https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/541/02/). Use your dictionary to check whether a specific noun is countable.

Your sentence structure is overly ambitious. My advice is to keep your sentences succinct to help curb against grammatical errors. Link your ideas with cohesive devices. This strategy will produce sentences that are neither too simple nor too long/difficult to control.

Be sure to also watch for word repetition. The repeated "lives" in the first three sentences of the essay gives the reader a bad first impression of your lexical range.

I think your attempt in the first supporting paragraph to use a specific, true-to-life example (the elderly in Hong Kong) is great. This adds tremendous weight to your position. As your grammar improves, your ability to deliver these sorts of examples with accuracy will also get better.

I would guess this essay to be about band 6. With improvements in grammar, I feel all other areas of your mark will improve. The clarity of your message will polish your ability to fulfill the task. The fluency with which you use cohesive devices and vocabulary will also get better.

[rairaichan0323]

Dear Ryan,

Thank you very much! I will keep your comments in my mind and i am greatly appreciated your assistance