Please check my essay and give a estimated band score. Thank

[andytruong1202]

QUESTION----Some parents and teachers believe that children’s behaviour should be strictly controlled, while others think that children should be allowed to grow up in their own way. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

It is believed by a sizable number of adults that parents and teachers should strictly monitor youngsters’ attitude. However, others contend that it is beneficial for teenagers to grow up with freedom. In this essay, both merits of these two views will be discussed, following by my personal perspective on the matter.

On one side of the argument there are people who argue that the benefits of controlling children’s behaviour considerably outweigh its disadvantages. This is to say that if parents strictly educate how children behave, then the children will know all moral values of a good person. Once children know how to behave, they tend to treat others with respect when they grow up. As a result, it is clear that children’s behaviour should be directed by their parents.

On the other hand, allowing children to live with their own lifestyle encourages children to be more creative and independent. In other words, with freedom, children are able to develop the ideas of how they perceive the environment around them without the fear of being punished by their parents. Moreover, young people would become more independent if they could live in their own way. This means that they would be able to look after themselves when they grow up.

In my opinion, while there are advantages on both sides, I would support the view that children should grow up with their own lifestyle. This is because by living with their own ways of life, youngsters will be able to live by themselves and make decisions for their own future. However, parents and teachers’ influence on children are necessary.

[bond_bhai]

I think its a great effort. However, I see some repetition of words. I suggest you look up some synonyms for children like youngsters, juveniles, teeenagers, kids etc.

[andytruong1202]

Thanks for the comment bond_bhai. ARe there anyone else to assess my essay please. Thanks in advance.