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Ryan
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Attention first time posters!

Post by Ryan »

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Premium Subscribers (denoted by a blue username) get feedback on 5 of their Task 1 or 2 submissions every month. To open or edit your Premium Subscription, visit the 'Store' section of this website: https://www.ieltsielts.store/

To help accelerate your progress, and to save me from having to repeatedly explain IELTS Writing Task 1 and 2 fundamentals, please do the following before posting your work to this section:

1. Familiarise yourself with how IELTS Writing is assessed. Attached to this post are copies of the public writing band descriptor charts distributed at (http://www.ielts.org/pdf/UOBDs_WritingT1.pdf) and (http://www.ielts.org/pdf/UOBDs_WritingT2.pdf).

2. Be sure to follow some sort of IELTS Task 1 or 2 structure. If you are unfamiliar with how to structure your response, please consult my Task 1 and 2 ebooks (http://www.ieltsielts.store) and structural guide videos (http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLAE217EDDF7F19843).
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Hiren
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Post by Hiren »

could you please help in how to format this essay?

Some say that it is more important for employers to consider academic qualifications rather than personal life experience and values when hiring an employee. Do you agree or disagree? What are positive and negative aspects of the issue?

From first question,agree/disagree,it seems to be argument essay in which both body paragraphs will support my opinion.But second questions asks to discuss positive and negative aspects.so how should I format this essay?
yash567blr
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Joined: Sun Oct 20, 2013 2:52 pm

Re: Enrich the writing forum by contributing to it

Post by yash567blr »

I am not an expert and I am also learning and trying to reach band 7 :)
Others please correct, if this essay is fine for the question.

>>>>>>
Though its very important to consider a person's educational qualification for hiring, candidate's personal life and values should also be taken into consideration. A bad employee might affect the working culture at office in negative way. It might result in demoralising the whole team or even loss of skilled labour, which in turn affects the productivity of the company. Hence, I do not agree with the viewpoint that only educational qualifications of candidate should be considered by employers for recruitment.

A skilfull and talented employee, who fits to the role perfectly might be very valuable for the company and may helps in bringing new innovations and techniques to increase productivity. However, when the person is put into a team project, if the person's conduct is not good. It might spoil the morale of the whole team or make other employees unhappy. It might even demotivate other employees. This will impact the profit revenue of the employer.

An employee at higher level, how much ever talented that person be, if his conducts and values are not good it results in loss of skilled labour. For example, in the Information Technology sector where I work, most of the time employees leave the company because of bad Project Manager. This can be avoided if a project Manager can keep his team happy and motivated with his conduct and values.

Hence, although rejecting a highly qualified candidate based on his personal life and values is a loss to the company. The company should stick to the values and think about the overall betterment of the employees as a team and look for the candidate who are equally good in both.

>>>>
Ali
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Joined: Sun Sep 22, 2013 10:40 pm

Re: Enrich the writing forum by contributing to it

Post by Ali »

Hi Yash,

As you said you are not an expert and me neither in writing. But in your second supporting para you kind of repeated your first one. Yes, I agree to Ryan said, it is good to totally agree or disagree. In this case I would say you could have written about employers checking employee's FB or Twitter accounts to check their behaviour patterns before hiring them.

Thnx

Ali
sabarslan
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Re: Enrich the writing forum by contributing to it

Post by sabarslan »

Hi guys,

I'm very new to this forum. i plan on attempting the IELTS academic test in December. It would be really helpful if you can suggest improvements on this essay of mine.

Question: Home schooling belongs to the past and is unacceptable in the modern society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement. Use your knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.

Home schooling is a historical phenomenon. Long before the schools were present, home schooling was the sole starting point of a child’s education. As the times progressed, norms started to change. In today’s world, home schooling has become less prevalent.

There are a number of benefits of home schooling. Parents are a child’s first point of contact to the outer world. They know a child’s nature inside out. Parents can pace the learning process of a child according to the child’s individual needs. A child can get personalized, and unshared attention, and without and peer pressure, thus his learning becomes productive.

However, the benefits of formal schools outnumber the benefits of home schooling. One of the reasons is that lifestyle, in general, has become fast paced which has effected parents as well. They do not find ample time at hands to teach their children as a full time duty. Secondly, with the changing society, education is becoming more complex with a mix of multiple disciplines. At schools, teachers are experts in their own subject areas. On the other hand, home schooling is not a wholesome process since the only teacher a child has is his parents, who may, or may not be an expert in multiple subjects.

In modern day, students have to be in a competitive environment to keep up with the pace of the society. They have to get ready for a much tougher challenge in the outside world. Schools help students become a complete package with a mix of multiple skills. Schools tend to hone the desired personality traits of a student and make them a better human being.

Thanks
sweta
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Joined: Thu Nov 14, 2013 10:35 am

Re: Enrich the writing forum by contributing to it

Post by sweta »

Hi sabarslan,
Your writing is good but opinion is not clear . You have explain both sides of essay it make confusion to the examiner whether your are agree or disagree. I am not perfect i think it should be better to explain one side .Keep it up
Best Regards
sweta
masimshehzad
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Joined: Sun Nov 24, 2013 7:57 am

Re: Enrich the writing forum by contributing to it

Post by masimshehzad »

yash567blr wrote:I am not an expert and I am also learning and trying to reach band 7 :)
Others please correct, if this essay is fine for the question.

>>>>>>
Though its very important to consider a person's educational qualification for hiring, candidate's personal life and values should also be taken into consideration. A bad employee might affect the working culture at office in negative way. It might result in demoralising the whole team or even loss of skilled labour, which in turn affects the productivity of the company. Hence, I do not agree with the viewpoint that only educational qualifications of candidate should be considered by employers for recruitment.

A skilfull and talented employee, who fits to the role perfectly might be very valuable for the company and may helps in bringing new innovations and techniques to increase productivity. However, when the person is put into a team project, if the person's conduct is not good. It might spoil the morale of the whole team or make other employees unhappy. It might even demotivate other employees. This will impact the profit revenue of the employer.

An employee at higher level, how much ever talented that person be, if his conducts and values are not good it results in loss of skilled labour. For example, in the Information Technology sector where I work, most of the time employees leave the company because of bad Project Manager. This can be avoided if a project Manager can keep his team happy and motivated with his conduct and values.

Hence, although rejecting a highly qualified candidate based on his personal life and values is a loss to the company. The company should stick to the values and think about the overall betterment of the employees as a team and look for the candidate who are equally good in both.

>>>>

I would like to suggest addition of following

Complex sentences
Use of linking words [Likely, additionaly]
USe of phrases, data and varied vocabulary
A well reputed, established and, social media famous(thousands of likes), IELTS business which daily attracts students enquiries, is set for sale. Contact me if you need it.
Atiqur786rasel
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Post by Atiqur786rasel »

Hi, I am Atiqur Rahman Rasel..Could someone , experienced , help me by correcting & scoring my following IELTS academic task 2 ?

WRITING TASK 2
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic:
A person’s worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material
possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honour, kindness and trust, no longer seem
important.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own
knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.

The world is being changed. The one who are changing the world are humans. They are changing the world in many different ways. But they are also changing themselves in noticeable ways.Humans are having change in their morals,personalities, even in natures . Today , people view and distinguish others by their social status and possessions having forgotten the true values of human such as, honour , kindness and trust . In this essay , I will write in agreement with the opinion stated above .

First of all, humans are natural being . They are rational , creative & social . They have been created to be adaptive . That is why ,humans are forgetting old views & living with the new ones . Strangely enough , nowadays when you go to a village , you can see that if there is any person with most of the assets , that person is respected all over the village .A quintessence from my own village can be given here . Our so-called honorable chairman is a man with no honour let alone kindness . But he owns most of the lands of our villages . So , the villagers have to respect him . Though the villagers respect him on the outside , they resent him in the inside .

Furthermore , many people , though rich , intend to serve richer people than them as a base for their security .It is very natural for those people because you cannot live alone in the midst of a den being a frightened rabbit . To survive , you have to live along with other ferocious animals being nice . Another point can be made from today’s politics in Bangladesh .The people in authority are actually given authority because of tremendous amount of money or assets .They seem to have no eligibility at all. They don’t have any kindness at all . They are not trustworthy too.

In addition , young people with great talent , nowadays don’t get good jobs . Even if they possess unique qualities like kindness & truthfulness , they get rejected . It is because they don’t have any money or authority . A recent quintessence is perfect here . One of my cousins went to have a interview for a prestigious job recently . At one point , after being selected in the interview , the company asked for about 1 million taka in exchange of the job . So my cousin came back home being annoyed with himself . Because he had not enough money.

In conclusion , it is evident that , almost in every fields of life, old-fashioned values are not respected at all . People are revered just because of status and possessions such as money , assets etc. This will probably remain the same in future . Because , it is no longer needed for people to keep “Old” in their dictionary .
windy
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Joined: Tue Dec 03, 2013 5:45 pm

Enrich the writing forum by contributing to it

Post by windy »

Dear Ryan,

I'm going to take part in the last IELTS test in this month. Actually, my skills are not sufficient simultaneously but I have to get IELTS result for applying scholarship. Hope that you can give me your feedback about my essay as below. This topic is yours which you give readers the opportunity of 72 hours. I saw it too late but I would like to have another chance to get your opinion. Look forward to hearing from you! Many thanks and regards!


In some cultures, children are expected to follow very strict rules of behavior. In other countries, children are allowed to do almost anything they want. What are the merits of each opinion? What is your position on the matter? Include relevant example in your respond.

Differences between cultures have appeared since the dawn of time. In particular, how children are educated in society is one of the elements in discrepancies. Some cultures give the direction in behavior by conservative regulations or conformities while others train children from self-study and educate them how to take responsibilities for their decisions. Each of educational approach has distinctly pros and cons.

The first method furnishes descendant to enhance the consciousness by conventional experience from older generation. They are taught how to avoid the failure from others’ previous mistakes on the way they pursue. For instance, when I was a child, my parent always taught me focus on my studying without social activities due to wasting of time and its effect on my result. Actually, it’s definitely improve my skills, especially in my communication skill that is absolutely necessary for my life when I take part in that operations. However, children can benefit from these regulation such as they have to polite with the elders, they are learned how to communicate with relatives or friends.

With the different manner of education, a kid shapes his foundation by self-experiencing. That means knowledge and skills are conceived through personal experienced procedure, not from others perspective. In retrospect, I formed my dependent ability by the way my parent educated me. They have never helped me when I fell, I had to stand up by myself, they even hit me if my faults affected on anyone. I recognized that I have to responsible for my decisions. It’s not only equip dependent characteristic, but also responsibility for one person.

In my point of view, I prefer allowing the kids to make decision for what they desire than regulated them from other trail. According to some researches, childhood is the most vital period one person learn and enrich their adepts for future life. Furthermore, real experience will become the biggest valuable wealth for one person on account of it’s conceived by self-studying.
hashirfaiz
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Post by hashirfaiz »

Young children are beginners! They have a lot of things to learn about culture. Adapt to a culture is not an easy and it takes time. However, parents pay an important role to teach their children about their culture. Moreover, the behavior of parents matters in front of children. Culture is to follow our traditions, customs, respect our elders. So parents must be patient and must expect children to make mistakes.
Moreover, we also must remember that children do not have minicomputers in their heads. They can also forget rules. We can help them to follow their rules. For example, in Pakistan and India children strictly follow their culture. Parents bring up their children with strict rules of behavior. They live with their parents forever. Parents teach them to respect their elders because this is our culture.
On the other hand, In Europe countries children are allowed to do anything they want. They do not strictly follow the rules because they not live their parents. They left their houses and like to live alone. They need privacy and freedom in their life. They do not care of their parents even, they not follow their culture they do whatever they wants.
In conclusion, in my opinion we should have some rules and regulations in life. We should maintain our culture if we teach our children as well. Children should also follow their culture .
msasshra
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Post by msasshra »

Hello every one
can anybody help with grading my essay

the question is
Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school.
do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages ?


It is believed that we have thousands of languages all over the world.
And of course each one carries it’s own arts and aspects of science; therefore governments should encourage their peoples to be aware of most of these languages, so they benefit from all these resources of knowledge. Many people think giving children the chance to learn foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school is of great benefit on their mindset. I myself believe that such chance is a double-sided weapon that if used wisely would diminish its risks.
On the one side, a six-months-experimental trial, that has been conducted in 2008 in the United States by Yale University on children aged seven to tweleve years who were divided into two groups, the first learnt a foreign language besides their native one and the second learnt just their mother tongue. After precise analysis of the experiment results, most children in the first group were able to pass the IQ tests with a score much higher than the second one; moreover they could remember and recall more things in the memory tests than the other group. Another evidence that would support such perspective, children who learn a foreign language have the chance to learn about different foreign figures and icons as an effective mean of understanding. To conclude, a strong relationship exists between the development of children’s intellectual abilities and the capacity of their understanding on so many scales as well as the ability to absorb different cultures and learning a foreign language at primary schools.
On the other side, many children who studied one foreign language besides their native one tend to have some obstacles. First, many of them always intrude some foreign words in the middle of their speech, consequently that leads to misunderstanding among the audience. Second, some of those youngsters lean towards foreign cultures and even forget totally about his traditional one, which may lead to loss of nations’ legacy. That proves the drawbacks of learning foreign language during primary school. A suggested solution to elude these problems is to allocate secondary school for foreign language learning, when personalities of youth have been matured enough.
In conclusion, learning different language at primary school has great useful impacts on children and of course its advantages outweigh disadvantages just if been done under control.
Francesc
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Post by Francesc »

guys halp me to develop my writting tanx for comments

In some cultures, children are expected to follow very strict rules of behavior. In other countries, children are allowed to do almost anything they want. What are the merits of each opinion? What is your position on the matter? Include relevant example in your respond.

In today’s world, there is great attention to behavior, almost in everywhere. This has been seen in cultural behavior. In some countries teenager can do anything they want however in other places young people have to strongly pay attention to their cultural rules. It is not an easy question to answer but in the following paragraphs this issue would be analyzed.

By being encounter to countless occasions, most adults in western countries do not take their children under pressure. Take united states for instance, almost all parents in this country allow to their children do everything. Furthermore, they do not ban to their daughters dress short things or drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes to their boys. It is obvious when looking at this example that young people in this kind of countries live their lifetime how they like. From this, it can be concluded that adults in this country give chance to young people for choosing their own life direction, it means anything up to themselves.

In contrast, majority of people in eastern countries look at children behavior seriously. For example, responsibility of older people in this kind of countries showing direction, giving advice to teenagers and also coaching them to real life and of course while teaching them older people have to prohibit numerous things to children. This example makes it clear that teenagers not able to do anything by themselves. Moreover, before doing something they have to get permission from their parents or grandparents. It is obvious that following to cultural behavior is not just for fun but creating respect and personal attitude among young people.

After analyzing, the areas of caring about children behavior and allowing do anything they want. It is felt maybe in some case parents should let to do whatever children want but it is batter to keep them under pressure in order to save respect between each other and continue cultural rules of behavior.
AnnieA
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Post by AnnieA »

Hallo, could you please, please help me by banding(rating) my essay? And of course tell me where my mistakes are? I really want to reach band 7 on academic training.
Some people think that the family is the most important thigh in the world. Other think it is friendship. Which view do you agree with? Use examples to support your position.

People say family is the most important thing in the world because its members will be there for you no matter what happened. Other believe that friendship is what we should pay more attention on.
In my opinion, we should not so surely categorize and say that only one of these 2 statements is true and the other is not. It depends of the situation.
Some think, it is too hard or even impossible to find real friends because human beings are egoistic, which is actually expected, because it is provoked by the survival instinct. People firstly think about themselves and then about these who surround them. But what I really want to do now, is to pay attention over the definition "real" in front of "friends". These words usage means that there is a difference between just "friends" and "real friends". The first one is someone, who you have fun with. But second one is a person, who you can call in the middle of the night just to talk to, who will be there and will try to help you no matter what happens. And this one is, for real, hard to find.
On the other hand, there is no guarantee, a member of your family will surely be there when you need to. What do leads me to this conclusion is the fact that nowadays, there are mothers(that are not teenagers), who leave their children. Or as well, parents who do prefer to go out with friends than stay at home and pay attention on their ill darling.
In a conclusion, we all live in a world of insecurity, but this do not mean we should give up of searching and building real relationships, because we do it, we may lose somebody, who is really about to make our life better with his presence.

I also, do have some questions. Can we use ritorical questions? And can we use statements like "This essay is about (to discuss)"?
aijazbasheer
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Post by aijazbasheer »

Dear Ryan
I have bought your writing task 2 book. But in this essay I deviated from your instructions ;). Kindly give your valuable comments


Some people believe that there should be fixed punishments for type of crime. others, however, argue that circumstances of individual crime, and the motivation for committing it , should always to be taken into account when deciding on the punishment. Discuss both point of view and give your own opinion.


To punish criminals is a major task of any judicial system. While some people believe that there should be no discrimination in penalizing the offenders of same category , in my opinion the circumstances and intentions which persuade any person to commit a felony should be addressed during his or her conviction.

In by and large, human beings are not criminals by birth, these are circumstances and social environment which either rear them up as a responsible citizen or foster them as criminal. Keeping this in view, if a justice system would have started seeking reasons and motives behind every crime then logically circumstances and social environment should have convicted rather than criminals. This nostrum would lead to demise of whole legal system. Since the beginning of time every person is responsible for his deeds either good or bad, regardless of reason behind. Thus it is obvious that criminals should got his comeuppance on the nature of crime rather than their intentions and circumstances.

On the other hand people who support the idea that circumstances should be considered behind the crimes argue, that some time a good and responsible person could have trapped in a situation which apparently proves him guilty. For instance, in Muslim jurisprudence fornication is punitive offence but there is separate punishments for consensual infidelity and rape, although the nature of offense is same. In a nut shell, circumstances and evidences should be taken into account before conviction.
In my opinion, crux of any legal apparatus is to differentiate the criminals on the base of circumstances and environment and punish them accordingly. For same reason in civilized world, for same crime juveniles have different punishments than adults.
margaretdavid
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Re: Enrich the writing forum by contributing to it

Post by margaretdavid »

hi Ryan>>>> ;)

thank for sharing this review..............
FelipedeQueiroz
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Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2014 9:07 pm

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Post by FelipedeQueiroz »

Firstly, I know How boring it is, to read an essay that is fully of mistakes, but please I need your reorientation in organization and strongly suggestions to write an essay in an academic form.
Could someone check my mistakes on my essay? I need some experienced advice from someone. I am looking forward to that.

My essay it is about a table and it says summarize the proportion of the different categories of families living in poverty in Australia in 1999. Write at least 150 words:

table:
Family type Proportion of people from each household type living in poverty
Single aged person 6% (54,000)
Aged couple 4% ( 48,000)
Single, no children 19% (359,000)
Couple, no children 7% (211,000)
Sole parent 21 %( 232,000)
Couple with children 12% (933,000)
all households 11% (1,837,000)

Australian families were living in uncomfortable life in 1999. As in this table demonstrates the difference of type of family. There is a clear correlation between the difference to the families related to the proportion of poverty in Australia in 1999. As it shows 7 sort of family and the three poorest sort of families are, single with no children, sole parent and couple with children and that each of these categories also had by far the largest numerous of people in 1999. Sole parent with the highest percent of living in less financial condition, namely over two hundred thirty thousands peoples in 1999. The single person who has no children hold the second highest rate based on the table, with almost three fifty nine thousand people.
In all different sort of families except aged couple. It can be seen that the higher low_income condition rate. it is interesting that an aged coupled with the lowest percentage of people living in poverty with nearly forty eight thousand its represents four percents in the table. the poverty proportion was the high as in the table shows single aged person namely six percent. Although in the proportion of people from each type of household , health and economic facts crucially involve some differences.
Despite the proportion of household was not approaching equally. Clearly other health or economic factors must be involved. it is therefore interesting to note that in case the number of single aged person was significantly lower than that of couple no children and even single no children, which seems to be a reflection o the fact that in general household.
AhmadMukhtiar
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Joined: Sat Mar 22, 2014 1:51 am

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Post by AhmadMukhtiar »

Public transportation is a great way to travel, particularly within a metropolis.
The metro is the most convenient way to get around a city. Do you agree or
disagree?


In recent times, the ways of public transportation has largely
developed. Now-a-days metro is its most recent form which allows an ease
of travel around the city .It is agreed that human mankind has benefitted
largely from the use of public transportation. Not only, it contributes to
a greater saving of public's money but also, effectively can help in preserving
the environment.

Firstly, travelling by a bus or train is very cheap and economical
not only within a city but also in between the cities. For example, if you
would drive a car it could cost you a large amount for the same distances as
travelled in a metro. This shows that travelling not by a bus or train is
not beneficial. Analyzing this fact it is evident that public transportation
would remain a prime choice of travelling.

Secondly, the ability of public transportation in carrying a large
number of passengers has helped at large in preservation of a clean
environment. For example, if every person would use his own car, it could
contribute more to the environmental pollution, as there would be large number
of cars. However, if a large number of people could use metro, it would help
in reduction of environmental pollution. From this it becomes quite evident
that public transport can help in getting a clean environment.

In conclusion, the pivate means of transportation causes a greater
expenditure and can not be termed as environment friendly. Thus it is clear
that the idea of travelling around by these means can not be supported. After
analyzing the merits of public transportation, it is predicted that its usage
will be prevailed for a longer time in future.
mr_brown
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Joined: Tue Apr 08, 2014 2:57 am

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Post by mr_brown »

Writing Task 1 in IELTS. Line graph.

The line graph compares the percentage of British children aged 20 or less in four groups over an eleven-year period between 1990 and 2001.

Overall, what stands out from the graph is that there were considerable upward trends in the proportion of both groups aged 5-9 and 10-14. Whilst the youngest age group saw a steady decrease over the period shown. However, the most striking point is that there was a dramatic fall during the first four years followed by a gradual growth in 2001.

Looking at the details, around 24.6% of British children was aged 5-9 in 1990. The data peaked at approximately 26.3% in 1997, then there was a marginal decline to 25.2% over the last four years. By contrast, a downward trend was noticed in the proportion of teenagers (15-19). The figure declined abruptly to just over 23% in 1994 followed by a steady increase to around 25% in 2001.

Despite rising significantly to 26.5% in 1992, the category of infants (0-4) saw a rapid decline to 23.5%, the lowest percentage, in 2001. Regarding the 10-14 age group, the major rise was seen from approximately 23.2% in 1990 to 25% over the letter years, and the final proportion (about 26.3%) remained the greatest.


206 words
hbzezo
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Post by hbzezo »

hello ryan
this is heba from egypt....i wonder if i can post my writing essays as pictures because i donot have laptop is it ok?
User avatar
Ryan
Moderator
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Location: Dubai, UAE

Re: Enrich the writing forum by contributing to it

Post by Ryan »

hbzezo wrote:hello ryan
this is heba from egypt....i wonder if i can post my writing essays as pictures because i donot have laptop is it ok?
No problem at all.

Good luck,
Ryan
arion
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Post by arion »

(I am not well in English, but I hope to help you a little bit.)
The first car appeared on British roads in 1888. By the year 2000 there may be as many as 29 million vehicles on British roads.
Alternative forms of transport should be encouraged and international laws introduced to control car ownership and use.
To what extend do you agree or disagree?

Different ways of travelling ought to be supported by global legislation brought in to restrict the use and possession of automobiles. In my opinion, think something has to done, because of the rising levels of CO2 in the atmosphere caused by the increase in traffic on our roads. They are too loudly and polluted. We must save fossil fuels for essential future use. Nowadays, fuel reserves are decreasing and it is a negative thing for us. We need to save. Some people waste their money on their expensive vehicles instead of helping to people who need for them. Other problems are accidents, causing a lot of victims and injuries.
On the other hand, discrimination against poor people is a negative thing. They must have their right to use cars. Those who need their car for their job, e. g a doctor and those living in remote areas. Using cars minimize lost time. In a little time, they can more than one job.
In my country, there are too many cars on our roads. They are noisy and polluted by vehicles. We have a lot of laws, but the police do apply anywhere. Our government should do more. We need to enforce our laws, and then perhaps something will be done. Anyone can drive the cars from 10 years old. It is a very negative thing because our roads are not safe. On contrary, people need vehicles to go to school, work or to use them for travelling. (this is not true, but it is for writing purpose)
In conclusion, it is clear to see that using cars has positive and negative points, but when we use them, we must be careful, and we must decrease using cars to a minimum.
(280 words)
candy07
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Post by candy07 »

Hi Ryan & everyone in the forum ,
My IELTS requirement is 7 bands in each module in the Academic test.
Kindly review and correct this essay. If possible please give a band score and suggest areas where I need to improve.
I will highly appreciate your effort.
Thanks and Regards

Essay question - Many children today find it difficult to concentrate or pay attention in school . What could you think are the possible causes ? What are the possible solutions .

The power to concentrate and ability to focus are considered to be the major attributes for the success of an individual. However, in the modern world , many children find it difficult to concentrate and pay attention in the school. This is clearly exhibited by the increase in number of cases of attention deficit disorder among children now a days . Distraction caused by electronic gadgets and improper diet are suggested as the possible causes for lack of attention. Solutions such as parental intervention and nutritious diet will be analysed for viability.
Firstly , it is believed that parental strictness will help children to limit the time they spend watching television and surfing internet . For example in a recent survey in U.S. it has been proved that children who spend less than three hours a day watching television have better focus on their studies and acquire good academic grades . Thus , effectiveness of this suggested solution in improving concentration can be clearly seen.
Secondly , to address the issue of improper diet and routine , children should be encouraged to eat nutritious food and follow routine. For instance , in many health related studies the link between lack of certain vitamins and minerals in body and attention deficit disorder has been established . This makes it obvious that good diet plays an important role in increasing concentration . Thus eating nutritious diet is suggested as a promising solution to the problem.
To conclude , it is felt that restricting the time spent on television, internet and having healthy diet will help children to increase the ability to focus , concentrate and pay attention in schools. It is thus hoped that these solutions are put into place as soon as possible so that children may improve their attentiveness in schools and enhance their learning skills.
candy07
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Joined: Sat May 03, 2014 4:50 am

Re: Enrich the writing forum by contributing to it

Post by candy07 »

Hi Ryan and everyone

Please check my reading

Thanks
cranford cliff
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Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 2:54 am

Re: Enrich the writing forum by contributing to it

Post by cranford cliff »

candy07
i would suggest your writing is too formal (unusual for an IELTS candidate, I think). The task 2 answer should not be too academic , but should give your personal opinion . In the IELTS materials the appropriate writing style is described as 'semi-academic'-
Solutions such as parental intervention and nutritious diet will be analysed for viability.
is an example of being too impersonal and indirect. Better to write: 'Possible solutions are greater parental guidance and a more nutritious diet'. You are not analysing solutions but providing them /some.


in the conclusion better to write ' I believe' than 'it is felt', ' I hope' rather than 'it is hoped'.

Your 'causes' and 'solutions' are all outside the school , whereas the answer may be more simple : in some countries young children spend far too many hours in class, and then sometimes have extra evening classes, so of course they find it difficult to concentrate. Solution, more free time, more breaks, more varied classes that involve physical exercise.
Knowing 'attention deficit disorder' is very good, but it may be too narrow as the focus of the essay ( ?)
gul
Posts: 10
Joined: Thu Jul 10, 2014 9:20 am

Re: Enrich the writing forum by contributing to it

Post by gul »

Dear Ryan!
i want to know that if i post my response to the writing modules 1 and 2,would i be getting the response from you regarding the correction of my essays.would it be assessed........
looking forward to it
thanks in advace
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