Task 1 - Please comment!

[Chi]

I already took the test two weeks ago, but I am not sure if I will achieve the band that I am targeting for. That's why I keep on practicing in case I have to take the test again. Please comment on my writing!

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Task 1 (this task is taken from Ielts Cambridge 7 - Test 1)

The table provides information on the spending on different items by consumers from five different European countries in 2002. It is apparent that across these countries, while food, drinks and tobacco were the most significant expenditure, leisure and education were the least spent items.

Turkey had the largest proportion of spending on food, beverage and smoking with 32.14%, followed by Ireland with 28.91%. Italy, Spain and Sweden spent much a smaller portion of expenditure on these items, from 16% to 19%.

In contrast, leisure and education constituted the smallest portion of total spending. Again, Turkey was the country that had the highest proportion of spending on this item with 4.35%. Italy and Sweden followed with almost equal percentage at 3.20% and 3.22% respectively. Ireland and Spain spent only around 2% on this item.

Most countries spent from 5.5% to 6.5% on clothing and shoes, however, Italian consumers spent a far more higher percentage (9%) on dressing up in comparison with other countries' consumers.

Word count: 162

[OnlineEnglishTeacher]

I already took the test two weeks ago, but I am not sure if I will achieve the band that I am targeting for. That's why I keep on practicing in case I have to take the test again. Please comment on my writing!

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Task 1 (this task is taken from Ielts Cambridge 7 - Test 1)

The table provides information on the spending on different items by consumers from five different European countries in 2002. It is apparent that across these countries, while food, drinks and tobacco were the most significant expenditure, leisure and education were the least spent items.

Turkey had the largest proportion of spending on food, beverage and smoking with 32.14%, followed by Ireland with 28.91%. Italy, Spain and Sweden spent much a smaller portion of expenditure on these items, from 16% to 19%.

In contrast, leisure and education constituted the smallest portion of total spending. Again, Turkey was the country that had the highest proportion of spending on this item with 4.35%. Italy and Sweden followed with almost equal percentage at 3.20% and 3.22% respectively. Ireland and Spain spent only around 2% on this item.

Most countries spent from 5.5% to 6.5% on clothing and shoes, however, Italian consumers spent a far more higher percentage (9%) on dressing up in comparison with other countries' consumers.

Word count: 162

The table provides information on the spending on different items by consumers from five different European countries in 2002. It is apparent that across these countries, while food, drinks and tobacco were the most significant expenditure, leisure and education were the least spent items.

Turkey had the largest proportion of spending on food, beverage and smoking with 32.14%, followed by Ireland with 28.91%. Italy, Spain and Sweden spent ("a much") much a smaller portion of expenditure on these items, from 16% to 19%.

In contrast, leisure and education constituted the smallest portion of total spending. Again, Turkey was the country that had the highest proportion of spending on this item with 4.35%. Italy and Sweden followed with almost equal ("percentages") percentage at 3.20% and 3.22% respectively. Ireland and Spain spent only around 2% on this item.

Most countries spent from 5.5% to 6.5% on clothing and shoes, however, Italian consumers spent a far more higher percentage (9%) on dressing up in comparison with other countries' consumers.

I quite liked it - generally I try to avoid starting the essay and sentences with "the" as it is a frequent word in English.

[Chi]

Thank you, OnlineEnglishTeacher!

How much do you think this writing would score? And is there any suggestion for improvement?

[OnlineEnglishTeacher]

Thank you, OnlineEnglishTeacher!

How much do you think this writing would score? And is there any suggestion for improvement?

I did not see the question, so will not grade it.

Try to avoid repeating some words too many times: http://www.textfixer.com/tools/online-w ... p#newText2.

[Ryan]

Hi Chi,

For the sake of reference, I'll quote the question here:

The table below gives information on consumer spending on different items in five different countries in 2002.

Percentage of national consumer expenditure by category - 2002



Source: Cambridge University Press Online http://www.cambridge.org/
Image source: http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-e ... steps.html

Here are a few thoughts on your writing:

The table provides information on the spending on different items by (<--The wording here would be acceptable because it matches that of the question, but consider taking out "on different items by" and inserting "patterns of". This will help the sentence flow a little better.) consumers from five different European countries in 2002. (<--You will need to insert that these figures are percentages of national consumer expenditure.) It is apparent that across these countries, while food, drinks and tobacco were the most significant expenditure, leisure and education were the least spent items. (<--The use of "while" is awkward here. If you are trying to define a broad trend, consider the fact that the three consumer goods groups in question descend in size for each country. Thus, try something like: "Loose similarities can be seen between the consumption habits of all five countries for the listed categories of consumer goods.")

Of the countries listed, Turkey had the largest proportion of spending on food, beverage and smoking with 32.14%, followed by Ireland with 28.91%. Italy, Spain and Sweden spent much a smaller portion of expenditure on these items, from 16% to 19%. (<--Consistency is important. Here, your listed figures first descend in size and then ascend in size. I would reword this sentence to something like: "Spain, Italy and Sweden exercised smaller rates of consumption for these goods at 18.80%, 16.36% and 15.77% respectively.")

In contrast, leisure and education constituted the smallest portion of total spending for all countries. Again, Turkey was the country that had the highest proportion of spending on this item (<--Vary the language a bit. Change "on this item" to "in this area".) with 4.35%. Italy and Sweden followed with almost equal percentage at (<--Change "percentage at" to "figures of".) 3.20% and 3.22% respectively. Ireland and Spain spent only around 2% on this item. (<--Try to vary the language a bit here. Try something like "in this area" or "in this category".)

Most countries spent from 5.5% to 6.5% on clothing and shoes; (<--Please notice the semicolon.) however, Italian consumers spent a far more higher percentage (<--Change "a far more higher percentage" to just "far more".) (9%) on dressing up (<--This language is a little speculative.) in comparison with other countries' consumers. (<--Try rewording the sentence this way: "Most countries allotted between 5.5% and 6.5% of their total consumer goods expenditure to clothing and shoes; however, at 9%, Italian consumption in this area did not follow suit.")

I think you put forth a faithful picture of the data. The ultimate test is whether a person could recreate the source with fair accuracy based on your description, and I feel that would be possible here.

The structure you use is logical. I see you organizing the areas of the table into paragraphs. I also see cohesive devices (i.e. "in contrast") adding fluency and tying the progression of the response together.

As far as vocabulary is concerned, please make effort to vary the language when you can. The word "spend" appears an uncomfortable number of times in this piece.

Grammar is stable but needs further polish. Please note the few areas reworded for clarity.

Overall coherence is quite strong, and thus your message is clear. This would have positive effect upon your overall Task Achievement.

All things considered, I would guess your band for this piece to be 7.

For those looking for further reading on this question, Simon also tackled it here: http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-e ... steps.html

Good luck,
Ryan

[Chi]

Try to avoid repeating some words too many times: http://www.textfixer.com/tools/online-w ... p#newText2.

Thank you for the great tool.

[Chi]

Hi Ryan, thank you very much for your detailed comments. I really appreciate it.

[OnlineEnglishTeacher]

Thank you, OnlineEnglishTeacher!

How much do you think this writing would score? And is there any suggestion for improvement?

About 7(+) most likely and also saw Ryan said 7.