Please evaluate my essay.

Post your Task 1 or 2 response and/or read the responses of other students and provide feedback.
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avijit_05
Posts: 26
Joined: Thu Jun 18, 2015 2:55 pm

Please evaluate my essay.

Post by avijit_05 »

Nowadays plastic money replacements such as credit and debit cards are extremely popular, even more than banknotes and coins. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this. Include your personal opinion and examples based on your own experience.



In this modern era, people are readily accepting new practices. This is no more evident than people using plastic money instead of traditional notes and coins. Many a times people carry number of debit and credit cards rather than cash. Plastic money has revolutionized the way trade is being conducted. This essay will discuss benefits and drawbacks of using plastic money.

To begin, undoubtedly, unlike cash cards are easy to handle and provide flexibility. They also help in reducing resources which are used in producing notes and cash. In addition to that, unlike cash it is easy to keep track of all credits and debits in the bank statement. For example, many companies provide credit card expense information on email therefore making it easy for consumer to check all the detail online. Popularity of these cards is evident from the fact that growing number of people posses them and use it while shopping online.
On the other hand, there are certain drawbacks for using the cards. Firstly, as these transactions are done over the Internet there is possibility of theft. For instance of user credentials are stolen in a minute hackers can erase all the money from the account. Secondly, plastic money is not acceptable everywhere. Small vendors , kiosks for example do not have the infrastructure to accept the cards. Thirdly, while dealing in cash there is a possibility of corruption as there is not electronic proof for the transaction.
To summarize, although there are some drawbacks, benefits are numerous .In years to come it may be possible that entire trade and commerce will be done by plastic money.
bansan
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Jul 18, 2015 7:36 am

Re: Please evaluate my essay.

Post by bansan »

great essay, i will give u a 9 for it :D
SpeakWriteAcademy
Posts: 8
Joined: Sun Jul 05, 2015 12:49 am
Location: Sydney, Australia
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Re: Please evaluate my essay.

Post by SpeakWriteAcademy »

Hi there,

A reasonably high standard essay.

I suggest that you consider using 'comma' more to improve the reading flow of the essay. For example:
- ‘unlike cash cards are easy to handle and provide flexibility’ – comma between ‘cash’ and ‘cards’
‘In addition to that, unlike cash it is easy to keep track of all credits and debits in the bank statement.’ – comma between ‘cash’ and ‘it’

This sentence, I think you meant freeing up resources instead of reducing it:
- ‘They also help in reducing resources which are used in producing notes and cash.’

Another point is in the 2nd to last paragraph, you are talking about the cost of using cards, but the last sentence you had: "Thirdly, while dealing in cash there is a possibility of corruption as there is not electronic proof for the transaction." - would this not be a benefit of using cards?

I hope this helps.

Keep practising, keep trying, and you will keep on improving!
-----
Jim Chuang
Lead Instructor of The Speaking and writing Academy ("TSA")
Website: www.speakwriteacademy.com
Email: speakwriteacademy@hotmail.com
avijit_05
Posts: 26
Joined: Thu Jun 18, 2015 2:55 pm

Re: Please evaluate my essay.

Post by avijit_05 »

SpeakWriteAcademy wrote:Hi there,

A reasonably high standard essay.

I suggest that you consider using 'comma' more to improve the reading flow of the essay. For example:
- ‘unlike cash cards are easy to handle and provide flexibility’ – comma between ‘cash’ and ‘cards’
‘In addition to that, unlike cash it is easy to keep track of all credits and debits in the bank statement.’ – comma between ‘cash’ and ‘it’

This sentence, I think you meant freeing up resources instead of reducing it:
- ‘They also help in reducing resources which are used in producing notes and cash.’

Another point is in the 2nd to last paragraph, you are talking about the cost of using cards, but the last sentence you had: "Thirdly, while dealing in cash there is a possibility of corruption as there is not electronic proof for the transaction." - would this not be a benefit of using cards?

I hope this helps.

Keep practising, keep trying, and you will keep on improving!
.


Hi
Thank you for your feedback, it really increased my confidence level.

Reg your comment on 2nd para, after reading again I realized it is benefit of using cards.

Will I lose marks in CC and TA for in such case , i am afraid yes.
What band would you provide this essay.

Thanks
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