Please assess this essay_ really need you feedbacks aim band 7

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Pojke66
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Joined: Sat Apr 29, 2017 10:23 pm

Please assess this essay_ really need you feedbacks aim band 7

Post by Pojke66 »

For decades, people have been arguing that which place is most suitable for their children to live in and grow up, that is, city or countryside (e.g. Village). Some believe that cities are best places whereas other stands on opposite opinion- growing up in rural area. While living and growing up in both city and countryside have some benefits, I believe that metropolitan life has more advantages in comparison with living in marginal places.

People mention various factors as benefits of living and growing up in city. They believe that the best educational systems and organizations such as Universities are located in city, with having majority of distinguish scientists in them and therfore good opportunity for children to having best place to study. In addition, public say that by living in city, there will certainly be more accessibility to government officials and thus they can esaily and directly tell them their concerns and/or problems. People think, meanwhile, most cities have a cutting-edge transportation systems and this can absolutely improves the quality of life of their children.

People living in rural area believe that the beneficial effects of countryside life is substantially higher than that of urban life for their kids. The main reason that they frequently mention is traffic congestion. There is no need to stick in traffic jam to be on your workplace. More importantly, rural places are certainly healthier than that of urban area. For example, as a result of lower traffic congestion as well as less companies/forms, there is neither polluted air to breath nor contaminated water to drink. Addtiinally, the effective and equal educational training are other key things that people consider as beneficial effects of rural life for their children.

Considering abovementioned reason and examples, it can be concluded that although living in either city or rural area have their own benefits, advantages of living in city outweigh living of countryside.
David.IELTS.Examiner
IELTS Examiner
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Re: Please assess this essay_ really need you feedbacks aim band 7

Post by David.IELTS.Examiner »

Hello!

That's quite a long introduction.

First main paragraph - It's a matter of opinion, so it wouldn't really affect your score, but isn't one of the biggest problems in modern cities traffic jams? Either way, you do need to explain how a 'cutting edge' transport system improves the quality of life of children (and perhaps why you are mentioning that rather than, e.g. good parents, culture, crime, friends, access to technology).

Second main paragraph - And immediately after writing that, you mention it ... So, now the essay is confusing - great transport or not? (And that DOES now affect your score!)

Overall, I find this essay VERY unconvincing. It seems that transport is the main factor that influences children. Really?

Grammatical range is limited, though the mistakes do not markedly interfere with comprehension. Vocabulary is certainly not used well to create a good argument.

All the best,
David
Pojke66
Posts: 5
Joined: Sat Apr 29, 2017 10:23 pm

Re: Please assess this essay_ really need you feedbacks aim band 7

Post by Pojke66 »

Dear David,

Thank you very much for your excellent review.

All the best
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