Task 2 thanks a million in advance (I really appreciate your Feedback)

[Aky]

#6
Some people think that the best way to reduce crimes is to apply longer prison sentences, while other people think that there are better methods of doing so. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
My answer:
The issue of whether criminals should be applied longer prison sentences in order to reduce crimes or given other punishments is certainly controversial topic today. There are valid arguments on both sides of the issue, and this essay will consider them before a reasoned conclusion is drawn.

On the one hand, supporters of longer prison sentences point out that criminal people should be sent to prisons so that the government can ensure the safety of society. For example, if criminals continue to live within society itself, this will pose a treat to other people. In fact criminal acts will increase dramatically instead of declining. However, new methods are something which can be impossible to reduce crimes without separating criminal people from the society to prisons.
Thus, this makes clear that the best way to reduce the crimes is putting criminals in longer prison sentences and then it can be easy to rehabilitate.

On the other hand, it might often be said that there are better methods too such as elector shock or helping criminals to get education. When criminals mean to commit crime such as robbery, they might release what this crime will bring and then this leads criminals to avoid committing. Furthermore, it is also said that the education can the best solution to decrease the rates of crime because in today’s world, most criminals are uneducated and living in the poverty. If the government spends amount of money on recovering criminals to integral life with help of education rather than spending on prisons to feed prisoners, thus it will bring more benefits and help to decline crimes.

To conclude, in terms of really dangerous criminals, they should be separated from the city to longer prison punishments. However, it appears to me that minor criminals should not be sent, in fact they must be given a chance to rehabilitate.
(309 words) 08.04.2017
thank you very much in advance

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

There are two confusing sentences in the essay - main paragraph 1, sentence 4, and main paragraph 2, sentence 2.

The basic ideas are good, but poorly developed. Grammar is weak, with lots of errors. Vocabulary is reasonable, but, as mentioned, not very clear.

All the best,
David