what is your idea about my essay?

[b82478]

Question:
Some people choose to eat no meat or fish. They believe that this is not only better for their own health but also benefits the world as a whole.Discuss this view and give your own opinion.

My answer:
The number of vegetarian in a community may depend on various factors, for example the traditions of the country, the wealth of the country, the religion or the age group. Therefore, the reasons why people choose to exclude meat and fish from their diet may also vary.
Some people become vegetarian because they believe that this will benefit their health. Undoubtedly, eating too much meat, especially too much red meat, is not to be recommended. Moreover, the fact that there are healthy populations in some parts of the world where no one eats meat proves that it is not, as some people claim, an essential part of the human diet. However, it is important to ensure that enough protein, for example, is included in the diet from other sources. Where vegetarianism is not a tradition, this may require some careful planning.
In my experience, it is quite common for people to become vegetarians because they feel that it is selfish to eat meat or because meat production increases global warming. They may also feel that if no one ate meat, there would be no food shortage, because meat production uses up food resources. This idealistic point of view is very attractive, but it is hard to judge whether it is in fact correct.
In some families, if a teenager decides to become a vegetarian, they may do so partly out of a spirit of rebellion, because this behavior can be interpreted as a criticism of their parents’ way of life. However, provided that they continue to eat healthily, the parents should not raise objections, in my opinion. Vegetarianism is a valid choice in life. Moreover, research shows that vegetarians tend to be healthier in many ways than meat-eaters.
Personally, I think that being a vegetarian is a good idea in principle as there are proven health benefits and probably social benefits as well. However, it does not suit everybody, and I doubt whether it will ever be a universal choice.
What can you recommend to improve my essay?

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

This is a very good essay. Your points are clear and you use good qualifiers and modal verbs. There is a good range of grammar structures and vocabulary. There are mistakes, but these do not affect meaning. Paragraphing and use of connectives are also very good. There's really nothing I can recommend apart from a little work on grammar.

Well done!
David

[Flick]

Question:
Some people choose to eat no meat or fish. They believe that this is not only better for their own health but also benefits the world as a whole. Discuss this view and give your own opinion.

My answer:
The number of vegetarians in a community may depend on various factors. For example, the traditions of the country, the wealth of the country, the religion or the age group. Therefore, the reasons why people choose to exclude meat and fish from their diet may also vary.

Some people become vegetarian because they believe that this will benefit their health. Undoubtedly, eating too much meat, especially too much red meat, is not to be recommended. Moreover, the fact that there are healthy populations in some parts of the world where no one eats meat proves that it is not, as some people claim, an essential part of the human diet. However, it is important to ensure that enough protein, for example, is included in the diet from other sources. Where vegetarianism is not a tradition, this may require some careful planning.

In my experience, it is quite common for people to become vegetarians because they feel that it is selfish to eat meat or because meat production increases global warming. They may also feel that if no one ate meat, there would be no food shortage, because meat production uses up food resources. This idealistic point of view is very attractive, but it is hard to judge whether it is, in fact, correct.

In some families, if a teenager decides to become a vegetarian, they may do so partly out of a spirit of rebellion, because this behavior can be interpreted as a criticism of their parents’ way of life. However, provided that they continue to eat healthily, the parents should not raise objections, in my opinion. Vegetarianism is a valid choice in life. Moreover, research shows that vegetarians tend to be healthier in many ways than meat-eaters.

Personally, I think that being a vegetarian is a good idea in principle as there are proven health benefits and probably social benefits as well. However, it does not suit everybody, and I doubt it will ever be a universal choice.