Could you assess my writing task? Thanks in advance

[meir]

Question:
These days, in many countries, fewer and fewer people want to become teachers, particularly in secondary schools.
What are the reasons for this, and how could the problem be solved?

Answer:
Nowadays, the profession of teachers becomes less attractive than before for young graduates worldwide, especially in secondary school sectors. For most specialists it is easier to move to another field of work than teaching. In this essay, I will analyze the causes and suggest the solutions to these problems.
The one of the main drawbacks of the teacher jobs are low salaries. Earnings in this field are generally lower in comparison with other sectors. To tackle this problem government should raise the monthly payments significantly because the salaries of the teachers should be more competitive with other professions to hold the current professionals and to attract more young graduates to work in this field.
Another problem involves the issue with discipline, especially in secondary schools. Some students might show disrespect to the teachers by shouting during the classwork or use foul language in the presence of teacher. In my opinion, the core of the problem lies on the pupils parents. Parents should be stricter to their children at home. In some countries, teachers use the corporal punishment as the solution to this problem.
In addition, the third drawback is a lot of paperwork that are lied on the teachers. Teachers, except teaching, have to fill the everyday journals and reports. Therefore, some professionals might come from work very late and the work-life balance suffers. It may lead to stress and complete exhausting. The way forward might be to hire special teaching assistants to deal with paperwork. This will help teachers to focus on their main duty – teaching.
In conclusion, teaching specialist is very responsible and demanding profession, that may take majority of your time. However, people who work with the passion may become very proud of their own students who succeed in their life.

Thanks in advance

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

I think that you have probably made an error in going 'worldwide' on this one. You may find that your arguments are invalid.

Salaries - Well, there you go! Not all countries pay teachers low salaries and teachers in good schools can make relatively high salaries. Certainly, in most countries, salaries are competitive with other jobs.

Discipline - Now here I agree with you! However, again, this is not true in all countries, so you need to be specific. The students in the UK and Japan are not the same and even in the UK there are schools that have great discipline. And that can be achieved even without or with limited use of corporal punishment.

Paperwork - Interesting point. It's a pity you forgot to mention marking homework though!

The conclusion isn't a conclusion to the question that has been set.

Vocabulary and grammar are good, so simply be more specific about your points (e.g. give examples) and change that conclusion, and you'll have a good - or maybe very good - essay!

All the best,
David

[meir]

Thank you, I really appreciate it!