Excuse me , could you please look at my essay and give me a feedback

[Elseady2014]

Q: Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology.

In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make? Has this become a positive or negative development?

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Ans :

Technology has invaded each aspect of our life in recent years , and thus affected how people communicate with each other in many ways and in my opinion this is a positive development . in this essay i will highlight the points of how technology improved our relationships and why this influenced our life positively .

However , many argue that technology just offers a virtual world of communication and this is devoid of reality perception , others believe that it is much more beneficial for most people to use these virtual ways to save time and money , For example , in the past people used to reach each other via telegrams and letters and they were so costly , but nowadays everyone has the chance to communicate with any one in any part of the world at the click of a button without paying a cent through social networks and free mobile apps

Additionally , this development has offered people with countless number of opportunities and experiences through obtaining the diversity of the whole world via Internet such as meeting new friends from different cultures as well finding well paid jobs , and finally another positive merit of advanced technological ways of communication that they provide people with a chance to share their memories with their beloved ones live through skype video calls as example , thus makes it clear that technology affected our relationships in a positive way

in Conclusion , technology has served humanity with suitable alternatives for better and easier communication and it is recommended for such invasion to be continued and improved .

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Overall, an apparently reasonable essay, but you look at the issues in a very simplistic way. To take the clearest example, you claim that anyone can communicate with anyone "at the click of a button". Really?

In the next paragraph, you fail to note the possible negative effects. Again, to take a simple example, you state that people can share memories with others via Skype. What happened to face-to-face communication?

Just because it is possible to do something, it doesn't mean it is always the best choice or that anyone can do it at any time.

And in the conclusion, you haven't clearly given your own opinion - you have used 'it is recommended'.

A lack of range of grammar is clear, e.g. conditionals.

All the best,
David