Kindly review my essay:)thank you in advance

Post your Task 1 or 2 response and/or read the responses of other students and provide feedback.
Post Reply
RAGI
Posts: 16
Joined: Sun Dec 18, 2016 2:15 am

Kindly review my essay:)thank you in advance

Post by RAGI »

QUESTION:
It is generally observed that almost all high level jobs are done by men.Does it mean that the government should encourage a certain percentage of these jobs to be reserved for women?
Do you agree or disagree witht his proposition?

ANSWER
Gender bias in the top management positions has been in the headlines for decades. Some people say that the government must intervene and grant a certain positions under female quota; however, I agree with those who say that a qualified person need to be assigned for the most senior position irrespective of their genders. In this essay, I will discuss both sides of the argument and give my opinion.

Regarding those who say that women could be privileged by reservation at senior ranks, there are many reasons. The most common reason is the gender inequality at workplaces. Despite holding similar qualifications and experiences, they are not only recruited at less payment, but also promotions are rare to senior levels as compared to their male counterparts. For instance, a study by Stanford University published that only 10% of ladies could reach the executive positions in their career life, contrarily, 85% of the men achieve higher ranks in any multinational establishments.

Nevertheless, I hold a strong opinion on this matter that employers must avoid any kind of preferences for vital positions of the company for various reasons. First, attaining a position through reservation diminishes a woman’s talent portraying her as a weaker candidate. Second, extremely crucial and strong positions of companies must be occupied by the most eligible individual irrespective of their sex. Moreover, decisions made at supreme positions affect thousands of other peoples’ lives working under the firm and therefore appointments has to be made purely on the basis of merit.

In sum, I believe that women are competent enough to survive in a tough job market without utilising any added advantages. I hope that in the foreseeable future, women realise their potential and proudly justify the rank they hold.
David.IELTS.Examiner
IELTS Examiner
IELTS Examiner
Posts: 1371
Joined: Tue May 05, 2015 4:34 am

Re: Kindly review my essay:)thank you in advance

Post by David.IELTS.Examiner »

Hello!

Great question!

I'm afraid your arguments are very weak.

In the first paragraph, your statistics are confusing. 10% women and 85% men = 95%. Where's the other 5%? Or do you mean that 85% of all men achieve high positions, which is demonstrably untrue?

In the second main paragraph, you say that 'employers must avoid any kind of preferences'? Why? Surely work experience, qualifications and abilities must be assessed? Employers don't just randomly choose people!

Later, you say that positions should be allocated according to ability. How does this fit with gender discrimination? What happens when people are not chosen on merit but on discriminatory bias?

In your conclusion, you say that 'women are competent enough to survive' but what about those talented women who want to more than 'survive'?

Overall, a very weak set of arguments. Vocabulary and grammar are not used effectively to create a coherent argument.

All the best,
David
Post Reply