Kindly assess my GT task 1 writing

[dinosaur2007]

Hello!
The question is:
"You have a full-time job and are also doing a part-time evening course. You now find that you cannot continue this course.
Write a letter to your course tutor. In this letter
describe the situation
explain why you cannot continue at this time
say what action you would like to take"

My response is
"Dear Mr. Brown,
I am writing to you with regard to the German language course I am enrolled in that is held twice a week at night. I apologize for being not able to go on with that course. Allow me to explain why I have taken this decision.

As you already know, I work as a receptionist at Fairmont Hotel everyday morning from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm excluding weekends. That situation was perfect for me giving me the chance to attend your course on a regular basis. That went on until I was informed yesterday by my manager that my work hours will be changed and I will be obliged to take the night shifts instead that will, ultimately, interfere with my evening course.

For this reason, I request a modification in the schedule of this course, if possible. I would be grateful if you could make these lessons in the afternoon instead of the former evening time. I am also going to be free on Fridays and Saturdays if we can make use of them.

I am looking forward to your reply.

Yours sincerely,
John Cooper"

Thanks for your support

[saqibali]

Hello!
The question is:
"You have a full-time job and are also doing a part-time evening course. You now find that you cannot continue this course.
Write a letter to your course tutor. In this letter
describe the situation
explain why you cannot continue at this time
say what action you would like to take"

My response is
"Dear Mr. Brown,
I am writing to you with regard to the German language course I am enrolled in that is held twice a week at night. I apologize for being not able to go on with that course. Allow me to explain why I have taken this decision.

As you already know, I work as a receptionist at Fairmont Hotel everyday morning from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm excluding weekends. That situation was perfect for me giving me the chance to attend your course on a regular basis. That went on until I was informed yesterday by my manager that my work hours will be changed and I will be obliged to take the night shifts instead that will, ultimately, interfere with my evening course.

For this reason, I request a modification in the schedule of this course, if possible. I would be grateful if you could make these lessons in the afternoon instead of the former evening time. I am also going to be free on Fridays and Saturdays if we can make use of them.

I am looking forward to your reply.

Yours sincerely,
John Cooper"

Thanks for your support

Other than problems with Colloquialism, you also moved away from the topic.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to you in regard to the German language course that I am enrolled in and attend night classes twice a week. I am afraid, I can not continue from now onward. Please allow me to elaborate on the situation.


As we already discussed, I work as a receptionist at Fairmont Hotel everyday in morning shift excluding weekend. As you know, I planned my classes for evenings and weekend. Unfortunately, situation has changed now.All of a sudden, my manager extended my working hours and informed me without any prior notice. Due to my family circumstances, my job is first priority for me.As you can understand, I am no more in position to attend classes.

I understand that I do not deserve any refund in case of cancellation of course by me. Since, I have been paying all fees in advance, therefore, I humbly request you to refund part of my fee.

I hope you will empathize with my situation and provide a positive response.

Waiting for your reply.

[dinosaur2007]

Thank you for your reply,
Do you mean that some sentences have mistakes or are they just not good?. May you give me some exames for these?
Could you also explain how I moved away from the topic?
What band score does this piece of writing deserve?

Thank you