Please evaluate my task 2 :)

Post your Task 1 or 2 response and/or read the responses of other students and provide feedback.
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Elseady2014
Posts: 19
Joined: Tue Dec 20, 2016 6:12 pm

Please evaluate my task 2 :)

Post by Elseady2014 »

Online services have been an integral part of every society in the world , providing a countless number of opportunities for people. From the Amazon jungle to the pyramids of Egypt People have the chance to do work in the comfort of their own home, such a development is argued to be useful only for employees and not to the employers , and this is disagreed due to many logical benefits and in this essay the main features of some of them will be discussed .

Firstly , working from home is saving a tremendous budget for employers , like their need to rent a place suitable for their employees with wide space for each office and also paying bills for electricity , power and phone calls , these things cost many organisation a lot of money while online working only needs an email and network access to monitor all the plans and tasks.

secondly , looking at how working at home provide employees with much comfort and satisfaction which in return make them more productive and more responsible for achieving the vision of the company or the organisation they work for . Thus , clarify another advantage to the employers from applying such a trend of online workers . For instance , a study in the USA revealed that the productivity of online workers is ten times of traditional workers , this shows how this development could gain more success for both employees and employers , adding to this that when people do their work from their home they also save more of the wasted money in the day to day cost of transport systems , and fast meals at work beside saving more time to spend with their families and practising more activities and all of these play a positive role in the efficiency of the employees.

In conclusion , working from home offers a great service to both sides of the work space , employers and employees .
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David.IELTS.Examiner
IELTS Examiner
IELTS Examiner
Posts: 1371
Joined: Tue May 05, 2015 4:34 am

Re: Please evaluate my task 2 :)

Post by David.IELTS.Examiner »

Hello!

First, a few obvious points.
1. The introduction is much longer than the first main paragraph.
2. The second main paragraph is WAY longer than the first.
3. The productivity of online workers is TEN TIMES greater!?!?!? Any company that doesn't send its workers home immediately must be stupid!!!

What you SHOULD have done was develop the other points that you made, which were very good points. Instead, you just left them, assuming that they were correct in all cases (which they are not). Development!!!

Grammatical range is limited (lack of modals and conditionals) and there are quite a few basic errors (e.g. which in return MAKES them).

You do have the basis for a good essay here. I could actually use this as a great example for my students - how to turn a poor essay into a good one quite easily.

All the best,
David
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