Could you please assess my General Training task 2 writing?

[dinosaur2007]

The question says:
"Some people believe that children are given too much free time. They feel that this time should be used to do more school work. How do you think children should spend their free time?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience."

My response is:

"In the twenty first century, lifestyles have markedly changed making people get more free time than what has been before. This can be clearly shown with children these days who are constantly receiving much more spare time. It is usually argued that this time should be consumed in a more productive way, such as learning new skills. This can be proven by analyzing the possibility of learning new languages and engaging in sports.

Firstly, it seems very beneficial that children learn new languages in their leisure time. Take Australian children for example, who are usually taught languages other than English, such as German on weekly basis. These children obviously show higher levels of intelligence and creativity. This example obviuosly shows the importance of engaging in the process of learning new languages for children. Thus, this definitely embodies an essential practice for children to do in their free time.

Moreover, sports is another healthy way of consuming spare time. For instance, parents of the United States regularly take their kids to clubs on their holidays to practice basketball and soccer. This kind of practice fortifies their mentality and heightens their abilities to perform better in school, and therefore, get better grades. This makes it clear that the possibility of allowing kids to practice their favorite sports cannot be ignored.

After analyzing the benefits of filling in spare time and holidays with learning new languages and sport activities, it is proved without a shadow of a doubt that children should not have much free time by any means and should have vital activities to be involved in. It is hoped that such a concept is widely put into practice in various communities."


Thanks in advance for your help

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Introduction - Well, considering that many kids do sports in their free time already ... but let's see how this develops.

First main paragraph - Are these kids more intelligent and creative because they learn foreign languages or do they learn foreign languages better because they are more intelligent and creative?

Second main paragraph - This argument may be true, but you have expressed it (as in the first main paragraph) as an absolute fact. Is that really true? If so, parents who do not encourage their kids to do sport must be total idiots (and that would cover most parents in countries like China).

Conclusion - There we go again - 'it is proved without a shadow of doubt'. So, clearly either you are the global expert on this (prove it!) or you are making very general statements that might not be true. Forgive me, but until I see certification, I'm going with the latter - without a shadow of doubt!!!

Overall, the range of grammar is very limited (lack of modals and conditionals, for example). Vocabulary is not used to create a coherent, demonstrable argument. I'm going with 'weak'.

All the best,
David

[dinosaur2007]

Thanks for your reply,
I'm wondering if you can tell me how to improve this essay and strengthen my argument especially when I don't know real examples.
Is it a problem to present the example as an absolute fact?
and if I don't know real example to the argument, how can I prove my point and make it more plausible?

Thank you.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

With this question, it really isn't that difficult to think of points.

1. Do children have too much free time? Look around you. Ask people about how much school work their kids have.

2. How should children spend their free time? Simply imagine you have kids and there's your answer!

Stating that something is true for all people all the time is sure to be wrong. All children should play football. Well, what if they prefer basketball?

It's really simply a case of thinking!

All the best,
David