Please, evaluate my essay

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ilitty
Posts: 18
Joined: Mon Dec 12, 2016 11:19 am

Please, evaluate my essay

Post by ilitty » Thu Jan 12, 2017 8:28 am

In many countries people are concerned about the number of children who are overweight.
What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

Gaining overweight is becoming a major problem among the teenagers. Because of the technologies, the kids are spending more time in sitting position than before. The physical activities are less and less needed in the every day life. The two main reasons for the increasing number of overweight children are the lack of physical activity and the unhealthy diet.
Firstly, the fast food and the unhealthy nutrition are one of the main reasons for getting overweight. A lot of the teenagers would prefer a fast food restaurant than a healthy meal at home. This is very bad for their health, because the some of the ingredients are not absorbed properly by the body and the result are illnesses and other health prolems.
Secondly, the other major reason for getting overweight is the lack of physical activity. Now, the teenagers are talking, playing and shopping through the Internet, without even stand up from the chair. Even, it is possible to attend to school through the Internet. This inactivity leads to gaining wight and respectively to a lot of illnesses and unhealthy conditions.
In my opinion, there should be designed a solution to this problem, because it is getting very serious. One of the possibilities are an additional mandatory physical education classes in the schools and colleges. Other solution is related to the healthier nutrition, but for this one the parents shall take a part, because there are the ones that should teach their children about the healthy food. I hope that soon would be found a proper approach to this problem, because it is very important for the humanity the next generations to be healthy.

274 words

David.IELTS.Examiner
IELTS Examiner
IELTS Examiner
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Re: Please, evaluate my essay

Post by David.IELTS.Examiner » Mon Jan 16, 2017 5:09 am

Hello!

You have put the solution together with the conclusion - they must be separated. Ideas are reasonable, though standard. I'm not sure that the point about absorption is correct. Vocabulary is good. Grammar is a little weak. There are numerous errors, some basic (One of the possibilities are ...).

Overall, you have the basis of a good essay here, but there are some basic problems that need sorting out.

All the best,
David

ilitty
Posts: 18
Joined: Mon Dec 12, 2016 11:19 am

Re: Please, evaluate my essay

Post by ilitty » Mon Jan 16, 2017 11:41 am

Thank you! I highly appreciate your help.

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Flick
Grammar Checker
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Joined: Mon Apr 21, 2014 10:06 pm

Re: Please, evaluate my essay

Post by Flick » Thu Jan 26, 2017 7:44 pm

ilitty wrote:In many countries people are concerned about the number of children who are overweight.
What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

Gaining excess weight is becoming a major problem among teenagers. Because of technology, children, are spending more time sitting down than before. The physical activities are less and less needed in the every day life.(<--Reword to: "There is less physical activity in their daily lives.") The two main reasons for the increasing number of overweight children are lack of physical activity and unhealthy diet.

Firstly, fast food and unhealthy nutrition are one of the main reasons for obesity. A lot of teenagers prefer a fast food meal than a healthy meal at home. This is very bad for their health, because some of the ingredients are not absorbed properly by the body and the result can be illnesses and other health problems.

Secondly, the other major reason for gaining weight is lack of physical activity. Nowadays, teenagers are talking, playing and shopping through the Internet without moving from their chair. It is even possible to attend school through the Internet. This inactivity leads to weight gain and, respectively, to a lot of illnesses and unhealthy conditions.

In my opinion, there should be designed a solution to this problem, because it is getting very serious.(<--Reword to: "In my opinion, this is becoming a serious issue that needs to be addressed immediately.") One of the possibilities is an additional mandatory physical education class in schools and colleges. Another solution is related to healthier nutrition, but for this one the parents must take part, because they are the ones that should teach their children about healthy food. I hope that a proper approach to this problem can be found soon, because it is very important for the next generations to be healthy.

274 words

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