Please, evaluate my essay

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ilitty
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Dec 12, 2016 11:19 am

Please, evaluate my essay

Postby ilitty » Thu Jan 12, 2017 8:28 am

In many countries people are concerned about the number of children who are overweight.
What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

Gaining overweight is becoming a major problem among the teenagers. Because of the technologies, the kids are spending more time in sitting position than before. The physical activities are less and less needed in the every day life. The two main reasons for the increasing number of overweight children are the lack of physical activity and the unhealthy diet.
Firstly, the fast food and the unhealthy nutrition are one of the main reasons for getting overweight. A lot of the teenagers would prefer a fast food restaurant than a healthy meal at home. This is very bad for their health, because the some of the ingredients are not absorbed properly by the body and the result are illnesses and other health prolems.
Secondly, the other major reason for getting overweight is the lack of physical activity. Now, the teenagers are talking, playing and shopping through the Internet, without even stand up from the chair. Even, it is possible to attend to school through the Internet. This inactivity leads to gaining wight and respectively to a lot of illnesses and unhealthy conditions.
In my opinion, there should be designed a solution to this problem, because it is getting very serious. One of the possibilities are an additional mandatory physical education classes in the schools and colleges. Other solution is related to the healthier nutrition, but for this one the parents shall take a part, because there are the ones that should teach their children about the healthy food. I hope that soon would be found a proper approach to this problem, because it is very important for the humanity the next generations to be healthy.

274 words

David.IELTS.Examiner
IELTS Examiner
IELTS Examiner
Posts: 1059
Joined: Tue May 05, 2015 4:34 am

Re: Please, evaluate my essay

Postby David.IELTS.Examiner » Mon Jan 16, 2017 5:09 am

Hello!

You have put the solution together with the conclusion - they must be separated. Ideas are reasonable, though standard. I'm not sure that the point about absorption is correct. Vocabulary is good. Grammar is a little weak. There are numerous errors, some basic (One of the possibilities are ...).

Overall, you have the basis of a good essay here, but there are some basic problems that need sorting out.

All the best,
David

ilitty
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Dec 12, 2016 11:19 am

Re: Please, evaluate my essay

Postby ilitty » Mon Jan 16, 2017 11:41 am

Thank you! I highly appreciate your help.


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