please correct the essay:) thanks David

Post your Task 1 or 2 response and/or read the responses of other students and provide feedback.
RAGI
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Joined: Sun Dec 18, 2016 2:15 am

please correct the essay:) thanks David

Postby RAGI » Wed Jan 11, 2017 6:40 am

First of all, thanks you very much for correcting my previous essays. Here is another one


More and more businesses as well as individuals are choosing to communicate professionally or socially using technology rather than face to face . Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of using technology for communicating??
ANSWER:
In recent years, usage of mediated rather than face-to-face communication has dramatically enhanced both at workplace and society. While there are benefits like speed and convenience of electronic interaction, yet intimacy and warmth of personal communication is inevitable. This essay will analyze the positive and negative factors of technology at professional and personal life.

In the workplace, the computer –mediated communication has overtaken face to face communication by wide margin. This main shift has been derived from the speed and geographic distribution of businesses. Social technology has successfully managed to overcome space and time barriers providing efficient and continuous connection between countries. For instance, many multinational companies like TCS, Samsung are operating their stores across the globe using on line communication. However, substantial decisions of any establishment are taken in personal meetings and discussions. This is because personal communication helps to build trust, develop deeper understanding and eliminate misinterpretation and misunderstanding. Therefore, it is clear from above that both types communication medium have their own benefits and limitations.

Furthermore, mediated communication plays a pivotal role at personal level. E-mails and instant messages connect with families who stay at far flung places instantly. To illustrate, individuals mostly travel either for employment or education to distant places as it is locotion to visit them personally therefore in such condition text messages ,Facebook or Face time make it possible to keep in touch. Although, it is undeniable that face-to-face communication begets more happiness and warmth, even researchers suggest that virtual meeting provides only one-sixth of happiness in comparison to a real meeting.

After analyzing both types communications, it can be concluded that mediated and personal communications both have their own merits and demerits. Although, computer mediated facilitates faster speed and easy connectivity but it lacks the feeling of warmth one experience by meeting in person.

David.IELTS.Examiner
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Re: please correct the essay:) thanks David

Postby David.IELTS.Examiner » Fri Jan 13, 2017 10:21 am

Hello!

First main paragraph - I'm not sure that electronic communications are more numerous than face-to-face ones, at work or otherwise. This paragraph doesn't really contain an argument and reads more like an introduction.

Second main paragraph - What is mediated communication? Once again, I take issue with your assumption that there is more online communication than face-to-face. Individuals do not mostly travel long distances from their families to work and nor do most students.

Conclusion - Not proven.

Overall, arguments are weak to the point of being non-existent. The range of vocabulary and grammar is limited and there is often a lack of clarity.

All the best,
David

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Flick
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Re: please correct the essay:) thanks David

Postby Flick » Thu Jan 19, 2017 8:10 pm

RAGI wrote:First of all, thanks you very much for correcting my previous essays. Here is another one


More and more businesses as well as individuals are choosing to communicate professionally or socially using technology rather than face to face . Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of using technology for communicating??

ANSWER:
In recent years, usage of mediated rather than face-to-face communication has dramatically increased both in the workplace and in society in general. While there are benefits to electronic interaction, like speed and convenience, the loss of intimacy and warmth of personal communication is inevitable. This essay will analyze the positive and negative factors of technology in one's professional and personal lives.

In the workplace, computer–mediated communication has overtaken face-to-face communication by a wide margin. This shift has been derived from the speed and geographic distribution of businesses. Social technology has successfully managed to overcome space and time barriers, providing efficient and continuous connection between countries. For instance, many multinational companies like TCS and Samsung are operating their stores across the globe using online communication. However, substantial decisions of any establishment are taken in personal meetings and discussions. This is because personal communication helps to build trust, develop deeper understanding and eliminate misinterpretation and misunderstanding. Therefore, it is clear from above that both types of communication have their own benefits and limitations.

Furthermore, electronic communication plays a pivotal role at a personal level. E-mails and instant messages can instantly connect individuals with their family even when they are thousands of miles apart. To illustrate, individuals mostly travel either for employment or education to distant places as it is locotion to visit them personally therefore in such condition text messages ,Facebook or Face time make it possible to keep in touch.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) Although it is undeniable that face-to-face communication begets greater happiness and warmth than electronic communication, researchers suggest that virtual meetings provide only one-sixth of happiness in comparison to a real meeting.

After analyzing both types of communication, it can be concluded that electronic and personal communications both have their own merits and demerits. While computer-mediated communication facilitates faster speed and easy connectivity, it lacks the feeling of warmth one experiences by meeting in person.


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