Evaluate please, need feedback urgently. Thanks.

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mostofakalam
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Evaluate please, need feedback urgently. Thanks.

Post by mostofakalam » Mon Jan 09, 2017 1:16 pm

The widespread use of the internet has brought many problems. What do you think are the main problems associated with the use of the web? What solutions you can suggest?

Arguments about the extensively wrong usage of Internet have been going on since the advancement of communication technology. This trend is growing at an emerging rate among young generations globally. Although often debated, it is felt that the inactive lifestyle and uncensored browsing are precursor to high misuse of web. This essay will examine the stated problems and find appropriate explanations to eradicate those glitches from modern culture.

Firstly, along with all the best proposals by Internet, it presents us with Indoor lifestyle. As an illustration, now a days there are lots of online shops that delivers orders at door steps which can be very electrifying in crowded city life. That is steering people to become more sedentary rooting in a square box. Hence, every city must arrange more exciting outdoor routines which will benefit the dwellers to grow an ambition for becoming active persons.

In addition to that, without monitoring the traffic that transits through networks, people are becoming more infatuated by disadvantageous junks. For instance, our government ingeniously undertook filtering the websites that opposes one’s religious belief and harm the peaceful harmony among them. That approach vastly uprooted the chance for searching violence which was developing underneath the extremists. Hereafter, controlling over the content by sensory board could give the society with better lessons and practices.

To conclude, despite of the difficulties, a controlled delivery of network traffic can bring improved way of life and keep the society far from perils. It is, thus, hoped that the use of Internet should be governed so that the consumers use it in a wise way and will be benefited by thousand fold.

Evaluate please, need feedback urgently. Thanks.

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David.IELTS.Examiner
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Re: Evaluate please, need feedback urgently. Thanks.

Post by David.IELTS.Examiner » Fri Jan 13, 2017 10:15 am

Hello!

Introduction - Good

First main paragraph - I'm not sure about 'electrifying' and 'sedentary rooting in a square box', but the basic idea is reasonable, though it could be more developed.

Second main paragraph - I think that you need to be more specific. Given that either one religion is correct or none of them are, that means there will be a lot of religions that are going to be censored. What if 2 religious people are members of different religions? And I'm certainly not convinced that governments are the best at deciding what information is good/bad for us.

Conclusion - Not proven.

Overall, points may be valid but are certainly under-developed. Range of vocabulary and grammar is lacking and clarity is sometimes missing.

All the best,
David

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Flick
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Re: Evaluate please, need feedback urgently. Thanks.

Post by Flick » Thu Jan 19, 2017 8:25 pm

mostofakalam wrote:The widespread use of the internet has brought many problems. What do you think are the main problems associated with the use of the web? What solutions you can suggest?

Arguments about the extensively wrong usage of Internet have been going on since the advancement of communication technology. This trend is growing at an alarming rate among young generations globally. Although often debated, it is felt that an inactive lifestyle and uncensored browsing are precursors to high misuse of the web. This essay will examine the stated problems and find appropriate solutions to eradicate those glitches from modern culture.

Firstly, along with all the best proposals by Internet, it presents us with Indoor lifestyle.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) As an illustration, nowadays there are lots of online shops that deliver orders to your door which can be very convenient in crowded city life. This is encouraging people to become more sedentary. Hence, every city must arrange more exciting outdoor activities which will motivate the citizens to become more active.

In addition to that, without monitoring the traffic that transits through networks, people are becoming more infatuated by disadvantageous junks.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) For instance, our(<--Whose government?) government undertook filtering websites that oppose one’s religious beliefs and harm the peace. That approach greatly disrupted the chance of researching the violence which was developing underneath extremist rule. Hereafter, controlling content could give the society better lessons and practices.

To conclude, despite the difficulties, a controlled delivery of network traffic can bring about an improved way of life and keep the society far from perils. It is thus hoped that the use of the Internet should be governed so that consumers use it in a wise way and will be benefited.

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