Please evaluate the essay::)

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RAGI
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Joined: Sun Dec 18, 2016 2:15 am

Please evaluate the essay::)

Postby RAGI » Sun Jan 08, 2017 10:10 am

QUESTION:
Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school while others think it is a waste of time?Discuss both views and give your opinion?

ANSWER:
Opinions regarding the arts whether it should be taught to children at educational institutes or not is debatable.While some people consider it be essential, others opine that it is not worth enough of children time.This essay will discuss both sides of the argument and conclude by stating its opinion.

On the one hand, the arts play an important role in the growth of intellectual and cognitive skills of offspring. Researches has proved that children involved in various art forms develop rewarding creative and imaginary skills.It is a form of self expression for them.Moreover, the liveliness in the arts destress the little ones enhancing their learning capacity that help them to secure satisfying grades. To illustrate, recently in an educational survey across the globe it was documented that students who are artistically involved have significantly more developed brain in comparison to the ones who are only academically involved. Therefore, it has clearly explained the importance of the arts in schools.

On the other hand, people who are against above view claim that subjects like science or math are more important because it provides job and financial security.With soaring competition, arts appreciation has declined as job opportunities are minimal. For instance, I remember my elder brother had to unwillingly quit his passion for the arts to earn enough money for his family survival which was not possible through his art.Thus, it is clear that economic instability in the arts field discourage people to invest their time in it.

To conclude, despite few hurdles like limited income in the arts, the beneficial ramifications of it on the overall development of younger generation could not be ignored. It is hoped that more people would realize the advantages of studying the arts in the foreseeable future.

David.IELTS.Examiner
IELTS Examiner
IELTS Examiner
Posts: 1059
Joined: Tue May 05, 2015 4:34 am

Re: Please evaluate the essay::)

Postby David.IELTS.Examiner » Mon Jan 09, 2017 10:00 am

Hello!

This essay is good ... until the conclusion! You have failed to include your own opinion. We can also see that in the introduction you write 'conclude by stating ITS opinion'. The essay has no opinion - the writer does. This is a big mistake and will reduce the band score significantly.

The arguments are good, though basic and not well-developed. The vocabulary and grammar are good in terms of range, and mistakes do not really interfere with understanding.

All the best,
David


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