Please assess my writing task 2

Post your Task 1 or 2 response and/or read the responses of other students and provide feedback.
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fasah
Posts: 20
Joined: Sun Nov 08, 2015 9:13 pm

Please assess my writing task 2

Post by fasah » Wed Jan 04, 2017 11:36 pm

In some countries children have very strict rules of behaviour, in other countries they are allowed to do almost anything they want. What extent children have to follow rules?

Children are most fragile part of society and their proper upbringing is quite challenging in this sense. it is true that in some parts of world they are subjected to behavioural rules, whereas at other places liberty is offered to them. Personally, I believe that their age group is too innocent to even understand the meaning of rules or freedom and they should be allowed to grow under lovely and supportive environment.

To begin with we all know that too much of anything could be dangerous, be it strictness or freedom, for anyone. If children are treated over vigilantly then, they might feel under pressure. This can directly affect their performance and preservative to some extent. For instance, it is seen in some families that parents want kids to perform beyond average in studies and out of stress, some failed badly to do so.

Similar is the other side, as children can never survive with complete independence on their own. If it happened then they would be expected to behave in a way adults do. As a result, the role of supervision, guidance and support will end and the difference of behaviour that is characteristics of every age group will end.

From my point of view, firstly, it is the duty of every individual, no matter in school, nursery or at home to teach children in best possible way their ethics, values and morals. Secondly, to make them understand importance of relationships, and basic rules of life. Moreover, actively drawing their attention to healthy activities where they can feel elated and engaged. In this way, without stressing or ignoring them, a wonderful environment for their development would be created.

To conclude, I am niether supporting additional restrictions, nor the idea of leaving children alone, to grow on their own. In fact, they need some primary teaching and strategies as mentioned to outshine as brilliant individuals.

Please assess my writing task 2

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David.IELTS.Examiner
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Re: Please assess my writing task 2

Post by David.IELTS.Examiner » Fri Jan 06, 2017 9:46 am

Hello!

Introduction - Your claim that in some countries children have 'liberty' needs to be made clear (not necessarily in the introduction) especially because it is not clear whether you mean total or partial liberty. As far as I know, parents in all countries impose rules on their kids. 'Lovely' and 'supportive' are not the opposite of rules/freedom/liberty, so if this is not made clear it will undermine your essay.

First main paragraph - Too little of many things can also be dangerous, so ... Notice that this main paragraph is the same length as the introduction - always a bad sign!

Second main paragraph - This shorter than the introduction - a very bad sign! This paragraph is not developed at all - no support at all.

Third main paragraph - Every individual? I think this needs explaining. Few parents would be happy with me telling their kids how to behave - and I know this from my teaching experience! I'm not a teacher in Saudi Arabia, but I'm just wondering how my views on gender equality would go down with parents there ...

Overall, this essay is extremely weak. There is virtually no evidence or support at all. It's basically a list of assertions, most of which I can prove are untrue in an instant. Good grammar but nothing else.

All the best,
David

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Flick
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Re: Please assess my writing task 2

Post by Flick » Wed Jan 25, 2017 8:12 pm

fasah wrote:In some countries children have very strict rules of behaviour, in other countries they are allowed to do almost anything they want. What extent children have to follow rules?

Children are the most fragile part of society and their proper upbringing is quite challenging in this sense. It is true that in some parts of world they are subjected to behavioural rules, whereas in other places liberty is offered to them. Personally, I believe that their age group is too innocent to even understand the meaning of rules or freedom, so they should be allowed to grow in a lovely and supportive environment.

To begin with, we all know that too much of anything can be dangerous, be it strictness or freedom, for anyone. If children are treated over-vigilantly then they might feel under pressure. This can directly affect their performance and preservative to some extent.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) For instance, it is seen in some families that parents want their children to perform above average in their studies and out of stress, some fail to do so.

Similar is the other side, as children can never survive with complete independence on their own. If it happened then they would be expected to behave in a way adults do.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) As a result, the role of supervision, guidance and support will end and the difference of behaviour that is characteristics of every age group will end.(<--I don't understand this sentence.)

From my point of view, firstly, it is the duty of every individual, no matter where they are; in school, nursery or at home, to teach children in the best possible way their ethics, values and morals. Secondly, to help them understand the importance of relationships and the basic rules of life. Moreover, actively drawing their attention to healthy activities where they can feel elated and engaged. In this way, without stressing or ignoring them, a wonderful environment for their development can be created.

To conclude, I am neither supporting additional restrictions, nor the idea of leaving children alone, to grow on their own. In fact, they need some primary teaching and strategies as mentioned to grow in to successful individuals.

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