Please assess my writing task 2

Post your Task 1 or 2 response and/or read the responses of other students and provide feedback.
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fasah
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Joined: Sun Nov 08, 2015 9:13 pm

Please assess my writing task 2

Post by fasah »

In some countries children have very strict rules of behaviour, in other countries they are allowed to do almost anything they want. What extent children have to follow rules.

Children are most fragile component of any society and their proper brought up is quite challenging in many domains. In many countries, for this purpose various behavioural code of conducts are specially formulated and the principle objective of all these rules is to produce the best out of them. But like many others , this theory is also supported by some and rejected by others. In my opinion, freedom of conduct is right of every individual child but the importance of monitoring and supervision can't be denied aswell.

To begin with, it is acceptable that excessive and vigilant strictness can act as potential mental stressors. Due to this most of the kids will behave stubborn, inattentive and ignorant. Consequently, some might consider their environment hostile for themselves. For instance, it is the reason that in many countries abusing and beating children is completely prohibited. As a matter of fact, this is particularly for child protection and their liberal acts.

However, now the question arises that if kids are given full authority then how will they become excellent beings? The answers for this question can be many. Firstly, kindness and love are considered as natural substitutes of severe and stern rules. Secondly, guiding children in a way that they don't feel controlled and operated is also functional. Honestly, my sister manipulates her three years old kid by explaining the results of his every action to fullest and as an outcome the bonding between them is exemplary.

To conclude, it is surely not important, neither necessary that children have to be a part of behavioural projects, if they meant to be naive and good in future. In fact, freedom and soft surveillance of their cute actions can do so. Moreover, the creation of this personal space will help them to outshine as grown up adults.
David.IELTS.Examiner
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Re: Please assess my writing task 2

Post by David.IELTS.Examiner »

Hello!

The introduction is as long as the main paragraphs. Regular followers of my comments will know what to expect ...

First main paragraph - First sentence - why/how? (Although the use of 'can' and 'potential' here makes the statement so vague as to be meaningless!) Second sentence - is that really true? Third sentence - well, you did kinda say that in your introduction, but you didn't really say why/how. The following 2 sentences contradict your claim.

Second main paragraph - So, you seem to be saying parents should manipulate kids, but not let them know they are being manipulated (control and operate are close synonyms for manipulate). What kind of lesson is this for life?

I honestly don't understand the conclusion.

Overall, a very weak essay. Points are unclear or generally false. Vocabulary is used badly and without precise meaning. There is a lack of grammatical range that affects meaning.

All the best,
David
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Flick
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Re: Please assess my writing task 2

Post by Flick »

fasah wrote:In some countries children have very strict rules of behaviour, in other countries they are allowed to do almost anything they want. What extent children have to follow rules.

Children are the most fragile component of any society, and their proper rearing is quite challenging in many domains. In many countries, for this purpose various behavioural code of conducts are specially formulated. The principle objective of all these rules is to produce the best adults. But like many things, this theory is supported by some and rejected by others. In my opinion, freedom of conduct is the right of every individual child, but the importance of monitoring and supervision can't be denied.

To begin with, it is acceptable that excessive and vigilant strictness can act as s potential mental stressor. Due to this, children will often become stubborn, inattentive and ignorant. Consequently, some might consider their environment hostile.(<--Who? The children or the adults?) This is the reason that in many countries abusing and beating children is completely prohibited. As a matter of fact, this is particularly for child protection.

However, now the question arises that if kids are given full authority then how will they become responsible adults? The answers for this question can be many. Firstly, kindness and love are considered as natural substitutes of severe and stern rules. Secondly, guiding children in a way that they don't feel controlled and operated is also effective. For examle, my sister teaches her three year old son by explaining the results of his every action to the fullest, and as an outcome the bonding between them is exemplary.

To conclude, it is surely not importantor necessary that children have to be a part of behavioural projects in order to become responsible adults. In fact, freedom and soft surveillance of their actions can be far more effective. Moreover, the creation of personal space will help them to grow into mature and successful adults.
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