Please check my task 2 response

[luke Thompson]

Ielts:
In many countries today, there are some concerns about the unhealthy lifestyles that people lead. What issues are linked to modern lifestyles. What solutions can you suggest.


With a rapid development of society, there are some side effects highlighting social issues.most people today complain about their imbalanced lives. This essay will reveal some causes and submit a plausible solutions before drawing a reasoned conclusion.

Firstly, The major problem relies with obesity which is growing drastically. With people working from desks or in front of screens during the whole day, gaining extra weight is set to be common . This brings some serious illnesses such as heart attack. To tackle this problem, companies should promote some outdoor activities which lead to high level of productivity.

Second of all, it is indisputable fact that people are over pressurized than ever before . They have heavy workloads and some daunting tasks with no incentives. Undoubtedly, this causes physical and mental fatigue with not enough scope to their families . However , an affordable solution would be to delegate responsibility and workforce equally. Therefore, people might have stability between work and family .

Last but not the least, poor diet is subjected to be another main causes of unhealthy lifestyle. As a salient example, Instead of having a lunch in it's own time, we grab some junk foods considered to be harmful to health. By this contemporary life we are prone to suffer from obesity and cholesterol. To address this phenomenon, a legislation to curb the consumption of fast foods should be introduced . As a result , we might have a better lifestyle with proper nutrients.



In conclusion, unhealthy lifestyle continues to become a critical issue. Nonetheless, if suggestions outlined above taken into implementation, this situation will inevitably improve.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

First main paragraph - you need to suggest how companies can do this and how they lead to greater productivity.

Second main paragraph - Is it indisputable? Life in the past for many people was pretty bad. No incentives? Really? Delegate responsibility and workforce equally?

Third main paragraph - Poor diet? Compared with the past, that's just not true for the majority of people.

Conclusion - Actually, you haven't really made any suggestions.

Overall, a weak essay in terms of vocabulary, ideas and supporting arguments. The range of grammar is limited.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

Ielts:
In many countries today, there are some concerns about the unhealthy lifestyles that people lead. What issues are linked to modern lifestyles. What solutions can you suggest.


With the rapid development of society, there are some side effects highlighting social issues. Most people today complain about their imbalanced lives. This essay will reveal some causes and submit a plausible solution before drawing a reasoned conclusion.

Firstly, the major problem lies with obesity, which is growing drastically. With people working at a desk or in front of a computer screen all day, gaining extra weight is common. This could lead to some serious illnesses such as heart attack. To tackle this problem, companies should promote outdoor activities which lead to a high level of productivity.

Second of all, it is an indisputable fact that people are under more pressure than ever before. They have heavy workloads and some daunting tasks with no incentives. Undoubtedly, this causes physical and mental fatigue with not enough scope to their families.(<--I don't understand this sentence. What is 'not enough scope to their families'?) However, an affordable solution would be to delegate responsibility and workforce equally. Therefore, people might have stability between work and family life.

Last but not the least, poor diet is another main cause of an unhealthy lifestyle. As a salient example, instead of having lunch in its own time, we grab some junk food considered to be harmful to our health. With this contemporary lifestyle, we are prone to suffer from obesity and high cholesterol. To address this phenomenon, legislation to curb the consumption of fast foods should be introduced. As a result, we might have a better lifestyle with proper nutrients.

In conclusion, an unhealthy lifestyle continues to be a critical issue. Nonetheless, if the suggestions outlined above are implemented, this situation will inevitably improve.