Topic :-
Nowadays adults are not involved in exercises as they used to be when they were children.what are the reasons?what can be done?
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In today's world, adults refrain themselves from physical activities compared to their childhood. Due to this, they are compromising their health. In this essay, I shall be exploring the various reasons with the possible solutions.
There are numerous reasons why people are not physically active. Firstly, people are more focused on their careers. Therefore, they spend extended hours at work to grow in their fields. It gradually takes over their health because of the time crunch. For instance, In India, a software professional spends prolong hours at the workplace during weekdays and prefer to rest during weekends. This makes them lethargic and prone to diseases like obesity at a younger age.
Another reason is, people's priorities have changed over the period of time. They have become more isolated and prefer to spend their leisure time with family. For instance, a family residing in Urban cities like Bangalore spends time together during weekends by doing household chores.
To conclude, I firmly believe that are few ways to tackle up these things effectively by creating awareness. This will not only keep them physically fit but also able to be more focused in their professional front. One should learn to do work-life balance and should enjoy their passion by joining clubs or hitting a gym.
please review my GT task 2- Appreciate
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David.IELTS.Examiner
- IELTS Examiner
- Posts: 1371
- Joined: Tue May 05, 2015 4:34 am
Re: please review my GT task 2- Appreciate
Hello!
Overall, a reasonable essay, but I think that some improvements could be made.
1. More modals. You make very general statements that may or may not be true - "This makes them lethargic"
2. More quantifiers. Again, you talk about people very generally, and the statements you make are very unlikely to be as true as you think. Add words like many, most, a lot of, ...
3. Your arguments jump around a lot - switching from fields to software engineers.
Bearing these points in mind, let's look at your arguments ...
4. Even in developing countries, an increasing proportion of people don't work in agriculture and, certainly in my experience, those that do are not suffering from obesity!
5. Having an office job does not automatically mean that you are lethargic. Many people work in offices and then do sport in their free time or go to the gym.
6. "They have become more isolated and prefer to spend time their leisure time with family." I'll leave you figure out how illogical that is! And it might not be true - people might be spending more time with friends too.
7. "creating awareness" - oh how I hate this kind of argument. Seriously, if you don't know by now that exercise is good for you, you, frankly, deserve what you get! (And I speak as someone who could certainly shed a few kilos!)
8. Your other suggestions are more reasonable, but there is no indication of how to achieve this.
And finally ...
9. Don't put your suggestions in the conclusion - they should be a key part of your essay.
10. Grammar is quite good, but you have only used a limited range of structures and made very general assertions.
All the best,
David
Overall, a reasonable essay, but I think that some improvements could be made.
1. More modals. You make very general statements that may or may not be true - "This makes them lethargic"
2. More quantifiers. Again, you talk about people very generally, and the statements you make are very unlikely to be as true as you think. Add words like many, most, a lot of, ...
3. Your arguments jump around a lot - switching from fields to software engineers.
Bearing these points in mind, let's look at your arguments ...
4. Even in developing countries, an increasing proportion of people don't work in agriculture and, certainly in my experience, those that do are not suffering from obesity!
5. Having an office job does not automatically mean that you are lethargic. Many people work in offices and then do sport in their free time or go to the gym.
6. "They have become more isolated and prefer to spend time their leisure time with family." I'll leave you figure out how illogical that is! And it might not be true - people might be spending more time with friends too.
7. "creating awareness" - oh how I hate this kind of argument. Seriously, if you don't know by now that exercise is good for you, you, frankly, deserve what you get! (And I speak as someone who could certainly shed a few kilos!)
8. Your other suggestions are more reasonable, but there is no indication of how to achieve this.
And finally ...
9. Don't put your suggestions in the conclusion - they should be a key part of your essay.
10. Grammar is quite good, but you have only used a limited range of structures and made very general assertions.
All the best,
David