kindly review my gt task 2

[DJvj]

Topic :-

Many people think that regions affect successful person. What is your opinion about native region and accomplished person’s influence on the region he belongs to.
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Today's globalized world, people collaborate and interact with people from various groups. While it is possible to claim that local area has some contribution in the success of an individual, my view is that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. In this essay, I shall explain my point of view by analyzing both sides of the argument.

There are several reasons why local area does not have effect on the individual's success. Firstly, a person has to be more determined and competitive to succeed. They should set examples for others rather than for a specific culture or region. For instance, Satya Nadella who is Indian born CEO of Microsoft corporation has set example for lot of young and enthusiastic Software community. Secondly, these people are visionary and think more to do for the community. Lastly, their passion drives them to move forward.

On the other side of the argument, there are few benefits also. Firstly, people see those successful people as their role model as it gives them a sense of belongingness. For instance, Sachin Tendulkar is role model for lot of young cricketers and his region(Mumbai) is known for producing lot of great cricketers for the country. Then, this even brings limelight of the place.

To conclude, I strongly believe that region has minimal control on the success of the individual. It's more to do with the individual rather than a community affecting them.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

This is a slightly strange question, in my opinion, but ...

Grammar and vocabulary are good, with few errors, but the examples are not clear. I mean, Mumbai might produce a lot of good cricketers for a variety of reasons. You haven't demonstrated clearly which of these is/are relevant. Which specific group did Satya Nadella set an example for?

Basically, the points need clarification and development, though to be honest I'm not sure how you'd be able to compare the various influences.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

Topic :-

Many people think that regions affect successful person. What is your opinion about native region and accomplished person’s influence on the region he belongs to.
**********************

In today's globalized world, people collaborate and interact with people from various groups. While it is possible to claim that the local area makes some contribution to the success of an individual, my view is that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. In this essay, I shall explain my point of view by analyzing both sides of the argument.

There are several reasons why local area does not haveany effect on an individual's success. Firstly, a person has to be determined and competitive to succeed. They should set examples for others rather than for a specific culture or region. For instance, Satya Nadella is the Indian-born CEO of Microsoft corporation, and has set an example for the young and enthusiastic members of the software community. Secondly, these people are visionary and greatly benefit the community. Lastly, their passion drives them to move forward.

On the other side of the argument, there are some benefits for the local region, also. Firstly, people see those successful people as their role model as it gives them a sense of belonging. For instance, Sachin Tendulkar is a role model for lot of young cricketers and his region(Mumbai) is known for producing many great cricketers for the country. Then, this even brings limelight of the place.(<--Delete this sentence. It doesn't add meaning.)

To conclude, I strongly believe that region has minimal control over the success of the individual. It's more to do with the individual rather than a community affecting them.