pls evaluate my essay!! (Task2) positive or negative?

[rairaichan0323]

An increasing number of people changed their career and place of residence several times in their life. Do you think it is a positive or negative development ?

These days, it seems that more people are changing their jobs and relocating to other places to stay than ever before. Yet there remains some disagreement as to whether the overall effect of this tendency has been positive or negative. While there are certainly valid arguments to the contrary I personally believe that the benefits of the tendency far outweigh its drawbacks. The benefits are twofold.

First of all, it is an undeniable fact that transforming jobs can make the employees more capabilities in their works. To take my case as an example, before being a flight attendant, I was a ground staff. I often use the customer service skills, which I learnt from a previous job to employ to the present occupation. This makes it clear that the past experiences enable the individuals to improve their skills. As this show, varying jobs will bring a positive impact to the workers.

Secondly and even more importantly, working in different jobs and moving to other states or countries to live that can broaden their horizons. For instance the foreigners after staying in Japan for a period then they usually will try to learn Japanese in order to integrate into the local community. Thus, the outlanders can have opportunities to learn different things. It is obvious from this that the employees can benefit from changing the job and staying in other places.

In conclusion, I once again reaffirm my position that the tendency of altering their career and place of dwelling has a positive influence upon their life due to they can become more skillful people and expand their horizons.

[allen_zhang]

An increasing number of people changed their career and place of residence several times in their life. Do you think it is a positive or negative development ?

These days, it seems that more people are changing their jobs and relocating to other places to stay than ever before.
[comment]: you didn't mention the fequency of the changing of jobs and places of residence.
--> It seems that there are more and more people choose to change their jobs or relocate to other places frequently these days.

Yet there remains some disagreement as to whether the overall effect of this tendency has been positive or negative.
[comment]: this sentence looks nice.

While there are certainly valid arguments to the contrary(, add a comma here) I personally believe that the benefits of the(I would use: "this" because you mentioned it earilier) tendency far outweigh its drawbacks.
[comment]: this sentence looks nice.

The benefits are twofold.
[comment]: this sentence lack link to other sentences.

First of all, it is an undeniable fact that transforming jobs can make the (I prefer remove "the")employees more capabilities(this is grammaitc error. -->competitive) in their works.

To take my(add "personal") case as an example, before being a flight attendant, I was a ground staff.

I often use the customer service skills, which I learnt from a previous job (, add a comma here)to employ to the present occupation.
[comment] there are some grammatic errors.
-->I often employ my customer service skills which I learnt from my previous job to my present one.

This makes it clear that the(I would remove "the") past experiences enable the (I would remove "the")individuals to improve their skills. As this show (shows), varying jobs will bring a positive impact to the(I would remove "the") workers.

Secondly and even more importantly, working in different jobs and moving to other states or countries to live that can broaden their horizons.
[comment] there are grammatic errors.
-->Secondly and even more importantly, working in different environments and moving to other states or countries can broaden people's horizons.


For instance the foreigners after staying in Japan for a period then they usually will try to learn Japanese in order to integrate into the local community.

Thus, the outlanders can have opportunities to learn different things. It is obvious from this that the employees can benefit from changing the job and staying in other places.


In conclusion, I once again reaffirm my position that the tendency of altering their career and place of dwelling has a positive influence upon their life due to they can become more skillful people and expand their horizons.

I am sorry that I don't have enough time to go over all your grammatic issues. Below is my general impression on this essay:
Frequent grammatic mistakes.
Your arguments are not convincing.

I'll try to write my version, if I will have the time.