Please review and rate my essay .

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DJvj
Posts: 148
Joined: Fri Sep 11, 2015 9:06 am

Please review and rate my essay .

Post by DJvj »

Some people believe that cooking skills is important and it should be reached at school While others think that it as jut waste of time.
Describe both views and give your opinion


Extracurricular activities help in nurturing the students in various ways which makes them self-dependent. A student can be engaged in doing such activities apart from their curriculum which can even help them in pursuing their hobbies in future as career path.
In one side of it, a student should be taught cooking as a part of curriculum which can help in making more independent .This will not only help in learning something new but also makes them more independent. For example, in a globalized world lot of student’s moves out of their place/countries to pursue their dreams, a food plays a vital role. If you know cooking then it would certainly help you to have your staple food rather than suppress your hunger.
On the other side, this activity may take up a lot of good time and shouldn’t be compelled to students something for which he/she is not interested.
However, it should be an optional thing which can be exposed to the students only by their interest which can help them in grooming and make self-sustainable in the globalized world which can be later pursued as one of the career opportunities.
David.IELTS.Examiner
IELTS Examiner
IELTS Examiner
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Joined: Tue May 05, 2015 4:34 am

Re: Please review and rate my essay .

Post by David.IELTS.Examiner »

Hi DJvj!
I haven't counted the words, but this looks quite short to me. Certainly, the ideas are not developed enough. There's some repetition (makes them self-dependent, making more independent, makes them more independent). Many phrases are unclear, e.g. help them in grooming, make self-sustainable in the globalized world, have your staple food rather than suppress your hunger.
I advise my students to use simpler vocabulary and phrasing correctly rather than attempting to use language that they are unfamiliar with.
All the best,
David
DJvj
Posts: 148
Joined: Fri Sep 11, 2015 9:06 am

Re: Please review and rate my essay .

Post by DJvj »

Thanks David for your response, i will take care of this while writing next time.
David.IELTS.Examiner
IELTS Examiner
IELTS Examiner
Posts: 1371
Joined: Tue May 05, 2015 4:34 am

Re: Please review and rate my essay .

Post by David.IELTS.Examiner »

I suggest writing a 'fresh' version of your answer, so we can see the improvements. Also, what score are you aiming for?
David
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